7/7/2013 1:09 AM

We were outside shooting fireworks. I brought Lisa a coconut water drink from upstairs, to keep her hydrated. Todd asked what it was, she showed it to him. Janae asked me about smoking up, I nodded at Lisa and Jake's direction, as they were going inside. I said "I don't have any, if I did I'd share." She said "I'll go get ours." I watched her ask Jake for the keys to go get it herself. They exchanged brief words and I assumed she asked him. I sat outside waiting for about a minute, Alden and his friend were talking at a distance by the front of the house while I sat by the fire-pit. Janae came back to me and asked for the pipe and lighter. No one else came with her, and judging by how much they drank, I assumed they had turned her down. I didn't ask, and she didn't tell me. I assumed too little too much. She packed it in the garage while Earnest stood at the door, it didn't take long. We smoked out by the old stone table, talking about her day. I said something about Jake being protective of her because of the way her family treats her. She called him as much as a dick as her brother. I saw then, there was nothing I could do on that front.

When first confronted about this, I was caught off guard. The memory was fuzzy then because I didn't realize what was at stake. I was stunned and confused at how quickly it all turned sour, and my fumbling for words surely didn't help. I went upstairs and meditated on this, I'm sober now. I'm writing this while the memory is fresh and we could discuss it later. I love Lisa so very much, this kind of public shaming devastates me. I try hard to be perfect for her.