Magick Missmatch

What the fuck!

I am calm now, but still, what the fuck!

Lisa and I did a cleansing ritual for the house, it went almost perfectly fine except for one time when I spoke up and distracted her. I thought she was missing a spot. I was stupid.

I know I'm a hack when it comes to magick. I'm not making any claim to be something I'm not. Sometimes I am very slow about making connections and understanding the methods of practical magick. If I don't understand something I question it. My problem is that I can't stop and analyse things while actually practicing magick. I have many other faults, but this one is the crux of my misunderstanding with Lisa today. I didn't know when to speak and when to keep silent.

I can say this here, without having to confront her. I did give it my all. I gave all I had within the circumstances. Lisa contested this, but her rant about me not respecting her magick undermined my confidence in her judgement of my character. The truth is, I failed myself. I still haven't been able to balance the elements using the pentagram. I did an LBRP that was so weak I was better off not doing it. I'm struggling with it in many ways, and it's leading to some internal conflicts which I'm well aware of.  I showered, meditated and really had a positive attitude about the ritual. She told me we would be fasting so I ate well the night before. I didn't expect us to sleep in as much and by the time we had to actually mop the floor as part of the ritual, half of my will was devoted to controlling myself.

I was prone to being irritable, and Alden's earlier intrusion in the kitchen didn't help. When I told her to ignore Alden I was actually telling myself to ignore him. I gave her the impressions that I was being controlling of her. What can I say? Alden's argumentative minutiae pisses me off. I don't like doing magick with him around.

She blamed me for ruining the whole thing, but I disagree. It was her working from the beginning, I had no more of a role in her spell than Alden did. She mustered and directed her will through the whole operation while I watched and learned. The most I did was push the mop through the living-room, the bathroom and the laundry room using all of my will to push the qlipothic energy out. That much I accomplished. Over the course of our argument she threw the old Greek adage "know yourself" at my face a few times. What an idiotic expectation of me! Would I even be here if I knew myself?

The fact of the matter is that she works alone. I picked up on many subtle clues about her solitary practice. There could have been more communication, or perhaps what I need is more formal and structured communication. I miss out on a lot in a casual setting. When talking about a ritual we're about to perform, I have to have a semblance of formalism. I need to sit down face to face like when we do serious Tarot reading. She is very organic about things and it works for her. I don't know that it works for me at this stage. I need discipline. That's why getting up early was so important to me.

When she grounded by the tree, she completely forgot about me even as I handed her the components we carried so I could do the same. I just figured I'd do it after bringing everything inside, which is exactly when she began lecturing me about grounding and my bad habits. (I define lecturing here as saying more than a single sentence on the matter.) I admit, I got annoyed, which didn't help. Her rituals are very powerful and I learn a lot simply by observing, but I don't feel even remotely adequate to work with her, or even under her. Magically speaking she is a force of nature while I'm just a tiny little shack loosely held together with Ruach nails.

 As much as she considers herself my teacher in the ways of magick, it doesn't come natural for her. It's the same way with writing and anything she tries to teach me. She has been a solo practitioner for something like twenty years. She works alone and gets results. I am a beginner and a little slow at times. I have some theory, but not enough practice, so I make mistakes. How else will I learn? This was something that she had to do for the house, and the little I brought to the table wasn't worth the trouble. I didn't listen to her or understand the implied subtleties of her methods. The irony in all of this is that it's precisely what I was trying to avoid.

I would love to help her in mundane ways, and watch and learn from her methods. But I can't work rituals with her anymore, at least not until I do some more catching up.