Family Matters

I had an argument with Lisa and Alden today. I started off by sounding condescending as usual, which wasn't my intention. I made a comment about the kitchen being a mess, but if had been more observant I would've noticed that Lisa was still eating lunch and hadn't cleaned yet. This came on the heels of the previous day, when she yelled at everyone, myself included, for not doing enough to keep the house clean.

I can't walk away from this not believing that I'm measured by different standards. Perhaps I am, but rather than sulking or arguing in typical Aquarian fashion, there might be a better perspective. I saw this in my non-thinking moments while working with Irv. We are all held to different standards. If I'm a serious aspirant to the A.:. A.:. it wouldn't do to succeed spiritually while slacking on my secular obligations to my family. I don't think that's even possible.  Like it or not, I will be held to higher and higher standards. The "quest" for inner perfection never ends.

There is something that worries me about all this. Lisa has been inconsistent with matters pertaining to Alden. I could be wrong, but I see her getting emotional and defending him. He then gets a big head and continues in his path of not doing much of anything, while taunting me in small insignificant ways. Yesterday she was very vocal about how little Alden has been doing around the house. Today the story changed. Apparently he has way too many chores and is very busy all the time. It's been two days, which is it?

Yesterday she accused me of being a bad influence on Alden. I made a bet with him that he couldn't beat me in a fighting game, so he spent spent a lot of time playing games and not doing chores. I hoped to encourage him to be cool headed and competitive, able to problem-solve his way to victory even through the rush of emotions. He wasn't ready for it. While Lisa helped me realized how misguided I was, she also said, in her typical exaggeration: "I handed him the tool of his destruction." The truth of the matter is this: He will fuck off all on his own. He doesn't emulate good habits as much as the bad ones in most people. If I read all day, then chose to veg the next day by playing a game, he will only see what he likes - the slacking. She insists that I should strive to be a better influence in his life. I've tried it, and still do in subtler ways, but I don't have to patience to be any more active without being a total dick. This is all I can do without taking responsibility as a full-fledged parent and doing things my way. I simply don't have the final authority of a parent. As much as I picked on him years ago, this would've happened regardless. I am not daddy or mommy, I'm that other guy.

Since that discussion I've been trying but I only met more disappointment. I ask him is he is reading his book and he comes up with bullshit reasons not to, or excuses why he didn't. After all that discussion, the chores Alden should have done last night still didn't get done at the time of this writing. [Update - He did do the stove and went to bed just as I finished writing this] I had to sweep the kitchen today, as I also washed the pots for him last night. He has a lot of little chores and he helps with a lot of other things like bathing the dogs, I'll give him that. But I can't even bring up something Alden hasn't done without Lisa throwing everything that's wrong about me in my face.

There is something strange going on between mother and son, and I can't even begin to dissect it. Lisa may be too close to the problem to see it. I catch hints of unmet expectations, lowering of standards, deflection of blame. I witness this in matters pertaining to Irv, too. She'll complain about certain behaviors, insist that they need changing, but not bring them up to him. Honestly, parenting the Wallings isn't a job I'd want. Sometimes I don't know how she does it. But the effect is this: As bad as I am, it's still easier for her to bitch me out than the other two. Why? I don't really know for sure. Lisa and I are full fledged lovers who are intimately involved in each-others lives, in very intimate ways. I've had a track record of change and self-improvement, which must account for something. Like I said, I'm an aspirant to the Great Work and she is my partner. Like it or not, I will be measured by different standards. The more I learn to balance myself, the thinner the rope will become.

Of course I could be completely wrong about all this, but I'm not a complete idiot. There is something off. I don't like to argue with her. In the midst of an argument I just want us to understand each-other and move on. I'm running dangerously close to just agreeing with her to shut her up. Sometimes it's just easier to assume I'm wrong, because often I am. Yet lately I sense a discord that goes far beyond just my own bullshit. I get that she is stressed and tired of running around the house cleaning after all of us. She was also abused as a child, and there was no adult standing up for her. When Alden is under "attack" it's just so easy for her identify with him and become his defender. It comes naturally to her, though not every time. I love her and I want to help, but whatever I'm doing, it isn't good enough. I hope things normalize a little better when Alden goes back to school, and she won't have to watch him sit around the house being a social disappointment.