This came up once before but I backed down from the challenge, back when I finished my big paintings and wanted to find a place for them. I will never break out of my little world if I don't take chances now and meet some new people. I live forty minutes away from one of the biggest cultural hubs in the world. If I can't meet interesting strangers there, then I have no business being a magician. I've been using my spirituality as an excuse not to develop a social life. I say to myself "I'm not a joiner" like Lisa, but it hasn't sat right with me. Not yet, at least. People scare the fuck out of me. So I put on this mask and try to do the same to them. I am so afraid of being actually close to a person, and have said person reflect poorly on my character. I'm so concerned with appearances that I judge people in ways I never before realized. This is very shallow of me and it's why I'm not a very good friend. I've been doing this since grade school. I used to stop being friends with some people based on other people's opinions. I've never learned to love people unconditionally. Even as I write this, I see my words giving the impression that I should be conversing only with he greatest luminaries of my time. That is bullshit, or a cop-out as Jake puts it.
I just want to get on a train and walk around in NYC until I make an acquaintance. Just this once in my life, I want to experience the world free from the artificial barriers of my teenage ego. At this point, I'm not choosing to be a recluse. Social anxiety runs me like a demon. I am limiting myself by living like a hermit while dabbling in Lisa's social circle. As I mentioned in the previous post, I envy Lisa's open heart and guilelessness. I've blinded myself about this and stabbed her friendships with her trust. Only once I develop this aspect of my personality, can I then chose to be alone and be at peace with myself. If I died now, I would be an utter failure for leaving so much of my life un-lived. Only now, as I contemplate death, I realize how truly alone I am. It's kind of liberating. With nothing to lose what is there to worry about when meeting a stranger's gaze? Technically, I know I have the power to check out at any moment. Every-time I ask myself if my life is finished, the answers comes back as a resounding NO. I have work to do, and being lazy only puts it off.
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