Big Mouth

I haven't posted much here because everything has been running pretty smoothly in my life. Until yesterday. I've opened my big mouth and revealed confidential knowledge about a private conversation between Lisa and Michele. I betrayed Lisa's trust and destroyed whatever confidentiality there was in their friendship. All that with a few words over Facebook messaging. I learned many unpleasant traits about myself last night.
I've been alienating Lisa's circle of friends one by one. How? By wielding secrets like weapons. I test them and push them away one by one. Why? Irv told me it was because I want Lisa all to myself, and can't stand to share her with others. (He also called me scum, and rightly so.) If he is right then I'm even more jealous than he is.  Part of me envies her. People who meet her come to genuinely love her, not so with with me for the above reasons. I came to the conclusion that I need to step away from her life and friends for a while. I need to center myself and focus on my own social needs independent of her.

The whole affair was a double blow to Lisa. This all came on the heels of me recognizing and admitting to her that I've had a crush on Michele for years. She has tried to explain to me how inappropriate this is in context of their decade-long friendship. I get it now. I'm going to look for polite ways to excuse myself out of conversations I don't need to be a part of. I have to respect her freedom in deeds, not word alone. I have the obsessive need to meddle with everything, which is why people shy away from me to begin with. I can't openly accept people with silence, I have to beat them over the head with self aggrandizing words. They're pompous. I'm wearing a mask almost all the time and I'm not fooling anyone besides myself. I've been trying to seem like someone better than what I actually am, at the cost of being True to myself. I am no hawk. I have a peacock for an ego, all glamour and no substance. The fucking bird can't even fly. This is why I often get the Knight of Cups in my intentions. I am completely misguided in my social blunders and Lisa is paying for it. She's not talking to me and I've become a stranger in my own home.

I need to reach the root of this problem within myself. I've vowed to be a better man for Lisa. I can't give up and continue to be an asshole. I had a dream last night, where I had to power to wield a single and secretive word that gave me power over the elements. It was power over the raging chaos within me. This word is probably related to the root of this problem. The closest I can get to this word is envy, or lust for result. I lust to be liked or even loved and try too hard at the expense of Lisa's life. It's my best approximation to where this behavior comes from. Knowing this, I can devise a magick ritual to fix it. The aim is threefold. An Oath of Silence regarding confidentiality will address the symptom. With an intense HGA invocation and goetic evocation I can address the source of my insecurity. Then I will invoke Hoor-pa-Kraat, the Lord of Silence and manifest His innocent purity in my life. I will be "invisible" so to speak and cease all interference in the affairs of others.

  I've just realized how conflicted I've been all along. I haven't fully worked out my own trust issues with Lisa and my love is still not a pure as hers. A few weeks ago Lisa told me about holding hands and kissing Jake last year. I acted cool on the surface, but inside I snapped. I felt betrayed. Not for the kiss, but because she hid it from me for months. I make it a point to hide nothing from her. I can't help feeling that part of all this has been me lashing out. I've been on a crusade revealing all kinds of hidden shit. That's my wrath in it's most subversive aspect. So there is also an element of anger somewhere in the root of it all. I have to right to bring this up to Lisa as I've already damaged her so much. I can only move forward, do the work and become a better person. A person who won't backstab the ones he loves most.