Government

Percival is the true champion of the Holy Grail. Galahad was a later sterilization of the myth, taking it from a left hand path, to a right hand path mythology, supporting the inhumanity of Christian philosophy. Percival, being fully human, attains the Holy Grail by Love, not the sterile purity of Galahad, he is thus the rightful knight depicted in the atus 7, The Chariot. He is the paladin, the holy warrior of the new Aeon.

4 + 7 = 11

Seven who rest in seven, seven who live by seven, the seven who govern the seven, and seven by whom all government is.

Love is the Law

This is the most supreme expression of government there is, the secret to my improved understanding of The Emperor. The king and the land are one, to change within is to change without. The king without the grail withers and dies and the land with him. This is manifested in the raw tyranny that curse the land choking individual free will, if government upsets the universal balance, the universal balance is bound to upset government, and eventually overthrow it. This cycle has often resulted in the death of empires. But if the king is transformed at his core by the power of the grail, he not only heals himself, he also heals the land and his subjects, bringing longevity to his sovereignty.

This Law of Liberty can be applied in many levels. In goetia this means that Divine Love must be applied to the demonic parts of your psyche to compel it to positive change in compliance with True Will, effectively building your own temple. I've often pondered on the menial demands of ego-seeking magicians upon these entities. As reflected in their own blogs, this apparent tyranny is the very thing which upsets the balance and overthrows the magician.

4 - This is the square, its the terrible four letter word of the Almighty, the Tetragrammaton, The Emperor, the four elements manifested in all matter. The human need to quantify, label, rationalize, categorize and organize the volatile forces of nature. Its a necessary foundation essential for human development, for patronage of the arts and sciences, for civilization as a whole. We are housed in square boxes, protected from exposure to the elements, from total anarchy. Left unchecked it becomes tyranny, stagnation, no room for growth.

On a grand scale, applied to the world's governments, this is a great paradox in human existence, and its most evident in America, “land of the free”, which brings to mind the saying “freedom isn't free.” For ages freedom has not been in the best interest of governments. Even today, the media, religious institutions and corporations are metaphorical expansions of government. They're inseparably tied in a net mutual interests with the government, influencing policies in ways that individuals can't compete. They're allowed to inhibit personal freedoms without outcry from the masses because they have ways of manipulating public opinion in their favor, or diverting attention away from their sleight of hand. This is why government is always slow to catch on with the their own subjects demands for personal freedom as seen in the civil rights movement of the 60's and the current issues of gay marriage and decriminalization of marijuana. The fact is, this has been going on since the birth of this nation, since the birth of government in ancient tribal civilizations.

7 - The metaphorical “Holy Grail” in this case is that instinct within certain individual leaders within government to lead the nation in a new progressive direction even while still manipulating the old network of special interest groups that fund the government. It takes a heroic individual to every so often lead the masses and outwit the machine, they're the great leaders in human history. This is king Arthur, energized by the grail, charging forth conquering his foes and healing the land. These heroic individuals, often driven by a need to leave their mark upon the world, are the sum of the parts 4 and 7. They're 11 in the world of government, symbolic of the ultimate victory of the individual Will over the masses and all of the complex machinery that resists change. This is not exactly a moral statement. As love and hate are twins, this individual could be manifested as Franklin D Roosevelt or Adolph Hitler, playing an active role for “good” or “evil” in the human drama. The difference, as in these two examples, is that one ultimately unites and the other ultimately divides his nation. In the big picture, both have brought about irreversible change upon the system.

Christian Morning.

Facebook status:

I just woke up from a terrible nightmare. Self-proclaimed Christian churches everywhere were misleading men and women. I'm really glad it was just a bad dream...

How I actually feel:

Sometimes I wake up in the morning and ask myself, what can I do today to eradicate Christianity from the face of the Earth? And your answer might be "they're already doing it themselves". To that I say "not fast enough".

RIP Tortured Programmer.

http://gizmodo.com/5726667/the-agonizing-last-words-of-bill-zeller

Sorry I didn't get to you in time. I would give 5 years of my life span, for 5 minutes to connect with you, and perhaps save your life. Rest in peace in your embrace of infinity. Let every aspect of your consciousness be filled with Joy and Strength in your next journey with us.

Hidden Resentment.

So another needless fight with Lisa. This one though, I think I should write down because I can learn something about myself, and how to react to others.

It was Friday 1:30 PM, a week before Christmas, she was tired from baking cookies the night before and had been sick for quite some time. We had not been intimate for a week since the Friday before This was something that didn't bother me even though I had a higher libido than usual, she was after all fighting bronchitis all week. I had been planning what I had to do for that day so I was somewhat aloof. I'm not a practical person, so I was forcing myself to exhibit practical efficiency so I could get things done.

We talked about it and she agreed to go out with me, get something to eat and run a few errands since she had to go to the bank anyway. She was playing some new pop cap game on facebook and I asked, “are you having fun with that game?” I said it with the intent to get her moving so we could go out, we never linger until after noon in the house if we have to go out and do things. So the immediate answer was “Yes” So she proceeded to finish getting ready to leave as I was putting my coat on. She casually proceeded to tell me more about the game and how I'd even like it myself. It seemed interesting and I really would like to know more about it. But as I was getting ready to walk the dogs, something we normally do before leaving the house, she went deeper into the rules of the game to the point that I realized I wasn't following her anymore. I instantly interrupted her in a way that I would later understand was very rude. I said “I”m only going to tell you this so you don't hold it against me in case I forget and ask you again about this game and you get annoyed at repeating yourself, but I'm not listening to you right now.” My honesty, which I repeatedly asked her to give me credit for, did not reward me, she got very upset. In the context of what should've been a casual conversation between two lovers I can really understand how rude, and uncalled for those words were, and if nothing else, we agreed that it was a poor choice of words. It would've been nicer to say “I'm really interested in what you're saying, can we continue this conversation later when I can give you my undivided attention?” Instead, my head was someplace else and I just wanted to get moving, so my mental “PR” was off that morning. Furthermore, in retrospect, I realized what prompted that nasty interruption, it the entire reason I'm writing this down at all, I'll explain it later.

That first comment set the stage for an ever speeding emotional roller coaster response from her, until I got made another mistake. I asked her to stop being so emotional, “making mountains out of mole hills. I said “Whenever you get emotional like this you can never see any good in me.” Off course I know that she must only be her truest self, not some idealization of mine, but at that point, I was fed up with what I perceived to be emotions ruining my day. Minutes before she told me how I was “the best soul mate anyone could wish for”, and when I reminded her, she said “That was before you opened your mouth” At this point she was referring to how during the argument I pointedly reminded her that I only asked “Are you having fun with that game?” and not asked for a whole explanation of it - a very cold thing to do. She then decided to behave strictly “rational” with me warning that I wouldn't like it. That's when I admitted to being wrong about asking her to be anything that doesn't feel right for her to be. To be honest, I'd like to see her coldly evaluating two sides of an issue, instead of being really passionate about a single point of view, the emotionally hurtful one. It's something that I myself am learning to do, like admitting that I'm not an easy or fun person to play games with. But she shouldn't do it at the cost of who she really is. No matter how much two people love each other she is not me, and I'm not her, we have to come to terms with our differences.

Now here is why I said what I did, after a flash of memory came back to me. It was unconscious, something I think that I sweep under the rug, but is now coming back to bite me in the ass. Only later, by myself while reflecting on the whole thing, did I remember the exact words before I said “I'm not listening to you.” I remembered saying “I”m only going to tell you this so you don't hold it against me in case I forget and ask you again about this game and you get annoyed at repeating yourself” In a moment of “PR” weakness, frazzled by the urgency in my own head to get out of the house, my long running resentment came out of nowhere. I often ask casual questions like “what's for dinner?” and get a ration of shit for having no memory of what she may or may not have said about dinner before, with me in the room. Its a known deficiency they know – I don't listen very well. I can listen, if I'm making eye contact, really trying to listen. But to follow an idle conversation while I'm busy, or my mind is someplace else, is the hardest mental exercise I've ever had to do in my life. I can do it, but never reliable. I am very resentful of the many times I've been yelled at, like a retarded person being yelled at for being retarded. I't enrages me so much, that if I don't subdue it, I'll start a domestic dispute. So if I ask and I get a funny look, a chuckle or an outright rebuke, I give up. Whatever I'm asking, whatever I should've known, should've listened to is just not worth the trouble. I love Lisa and the family too much, I'd rather be stupid. Lisa was right about Freudian slips, at least this time. What came out was a genuine resentment, even though it was uncalled for in the moment. Honesty doesn't have to come out so nasty, so if I can deal with this problem of listening to idle chat, I won't have to bottle up anger. God... Its not easy, I have to literally transcend the limits of my brain. I really am doing my best.

The Prologue

The Prologue, 8'' x 11'' Oil on Linen.

Painting Notes

I'm working on the Hemit now, his looks is a little “easter egg” for those in the relatively small community that calls itself the Art World. I once drew a card about it, questioning my own decision, and got the Ace of Swords, very appropriate to that community. I never forgot.


As the hermit painting is coming to a close, I'm getting very anxious. I don't like the uncertainty that comes after. A painting is a sure thing, a beginning a middle and a theoretical ending, provided I'm satisfied with it. But the whole process of getting it out there has my mind going a thousand different directions with no certainty. I get obsessive speculating what people might see or not see in it, its enough to trigger critics to argue with in my head. To say I paint for myself is easy, that is the only way to paint, but in the end, if it doesn't resonate with the minds and hearts of other human beings, then I'll be pushing boxes for a living for the rest of my life.

Dreams

How many people can say they've felt the call of the Sun, without whom there would be no life?

I had a dream last night. The dream was set in my college years again, only slightly different settings and places than my actual memories, as usual. It was night and my peers and I were at the school casually socializing, there were no classes at the moment, but our work was in display in the hallways at stages of near completion. It felt like the senior project days, when we each had our studio on campus. I gradually became more lucid and aware of this dream state until there was a transition into another landscape at dawn. I was so aware of the dream dimension that I touched plants from the garden outside as I passed them, remembering specifically what looked to be orchids growing amongst the brush. I was entering a small shack of what looked to be a typical rental house one of my peers would've lived in. I enter a kitchen that leads into a narrow hallway, at the door, just into the kitchen stands a young lady of olive skin and dark hair and eyes. She stood in the kitchen, in my path as I intended to proceed forward. She was smiling and making small talk when I stopped and said “I know I'm dreaming and I think I know who you are, you are the priestess, aren't you?” Her smile faded as she turned into the narrow path leading out to the back of the shack and ran outside. I followed calling her to please wait. She ran into a vast field, with overgrown grass blowing in the wind the color of golden green from the sunlight Flowers of all kinds which I can't name blossomed all around us. There were distant brick houses far across the field typical of a middle class suburban neighborhoods I grew up in in Brazil. I remember the contrast of warm sunlit colors on the earthly landscape and homes far in the horizon in contrast to the vibrant blue sky, gold and blue, the colors that most resonate with my soul. These words are poor shadows of how I actually feel in the dream.

The young virginal priestess, now wearing a white robe then turns to me as I arrive and kneels before me on a patch of soft grass, I then kneel meeting her eye level and we face each other in a posture similar to that of the old testament cherubs at the ark of the covenant. She reveals a book which she held against her breasts that I had not noticed before. She hands me the book that looked like a cheap paperback with yellowing pages, similar to Joseph Campbell's Myths to Live by which I just finished, but I could not make out what it actually was, the cover seemed at one moment a blur, at other a dark/back nondescript cover. I took the book, opened it and cannot remember what was in it. I started to fade, the dream started to fade, but she was still kneeling there, smiling at me.

The nigh before I had a dream of near rapture in absolute, Limitless Light, a near outer body experience not quite sleeping, not quite awake. I felt the pull of upwards and levitation of my body of light moving upwards for what felt like centuries and seconds, away from my sleeping body. That very moment my conscious mind realized this and in excitement I (It) said to myself “This is it! Finally!” at which point the entire experienced ceased and I was plunged back into the despair of ordinary darkness and moments later, the dreamless void of sleep.

I then had a few dreams of no more importance than social observation of my friends and family, but one was unusual. I was back in Brazil almost as a non-entity, perhaps in secret, but near my relatives there. There was a young cousin who was experiencing dreams and visions and the family was in distress not knowing how to cope with her near psychosis / paranormal visions. I then stepped in to guide her through the process of self-initiation in the role reserved for ancient tribal shamans. Yet, though I had the role of an elder or sage, I was still young in appearance as my age right now. Like the priestess of the following night's dream she also had my skin tone, dark hair and eyes with long straight, sometimes wavy hair. I took delight in befriending her as a guide to the archetypes she would encounter in her soul. This dream was heavily influenced by what I had just read from Myths.


I woke up that morning with the alarm clock ringing, and for a few seconds I did not know who where or when I was, and for those few seconds I liked myself better than when my conscious awareness of myself set in. I felt depressed, I knew there were dreams that night, but sat there half dressed in work clothes unable to recall what really left me so overwhelmed. About two hours later at work I remembered the failed outer body experience and wept alone in the backroom where no one could see me.