So another needless fight with Lisa. This one though, I think I should write down because I can learn something about myself, and how to react to others.
It was Friday 1:30 PM, a week before Christmas, she was tired from baking cookies the night before and had been sick for quite some time. We had not been intimate for a week since the Friday before This was something that didn't bother me even though I had a higher libido than usual, she was after all fighting bronchitis all week. I had been planning what I had to do for that day so I was somewhat aloof. I'm not a practical person, so I was forcing myself to exhibit practical efficiency so I could get things done.
We talked about it and she agreed to go out with me, get something to eat and run a few errands since she had to go to the bank anyway. She was playing some new pop cap game on facebook and I asked, “are you having fun with that game?” I said it with the intent to get her moving so we could go out, we never linger until after noon in the house if we have to go out and do things. So the immediate answer was “Yes” So she proceeded to finish getting ready to leave as I was putting my coat on. She casually proceeded to tell me more about the game and how I'd even like it myself. It seemed interesting and I really would like to know more about it. But as I was getting ready to walk the dogs, something we normally do before leaving the house, she went deeper into the rules of the game to the point that I realized I wasn't following her anymore. I instantly interrupted her in a way that I would later understand was very rude. I said “I”m only going to tell you this so you don't hold it against me in case I forget and ask you again about this game and you get annoyed at repeating yourself, but I'm not listening to you right now.” My honesty, which I repeatedly asked her to give me credit for, did not reward me, she got very upset. In the context of what should've been a casual conversation between two lovers I can really understand how rude, and uncalled for those words were, and if nothing else, we agreed that it was a poor choice of words. It would've been nicer to say “I'm really interested in what you're saying, can we continue this conversation later when I can give you my undivided attention?” Instead, my head was someplace else and I just wanted to get moving, so my mental “PR” was off that morning. Furthermore, in retrospect, I realized what prompted that nasty interruption, it the entire reason I'm writing this down at all, I'll explain it later.
That first comment set the stage for an ever speeding emotional roller coaster response from her, until I got made another mistake. I asked her to stop being so emotional, “making mountains out of mole hills. I said “Whenever you get emotional like this you can never see any good in me.” Off course I know that she must only be her truest self, not some idealization of mine, but at that point, I was fed up with what I perceived to be emotions ruining my day. Minutes before she told me how I was “the best soul mate anyone could wish for”, and when I reminded her, she said “That was before you opened your mouth” At this point she was referring to how during the argument I pointedly reminded her that I only asked “Are you having fun with that game?” and not asked for a whole explanation of it - a very cold thing to do. She then decided to behave strictly “rational” with me warning that I wouldn't like it. That's when I admitted to being wrong about asking her to be anything that doesn't feel right for her to be. To be honest, I'd like to see her coldly evaluating two sides of an issue, instead of being really passionate about a single point of view, the emotionally hurtful one. It's something that I myself am learning to do, like admitting that I'm not an easy or fun person to play games with. But she shouldn't do it at the cost of who she really is. No matter how much two people love each other she is not me, and I'm not her, we have to come to terms with our differences.
Now here is why I said what I did, after a flash of memory came back to me. It was unconscious, something I think that I sweep under the rug, but is now coming back to bite me in the ass. Only later, by myself while reflecting on the whole thing, did I remember the exact words before I said “I'm not listening to you.” I remembered saying “I”m only going to tell you this so you don't hold it against me in case I forget and ask you again about this game and you get annoyed at repeating yourself” In a moment of “PR” weakness, frazzled by the urgency in my own head to get out of the house, my long running resentment came out of nowhere. I often ask casual questions like “what's for dinner?” and get a ration of shit for having no memory of what she may or may not have said about dinner before, with me in the room. Its a known deficiency they know – I don't listen very well. I can listen, if I'm making eye contact, really trying to listen. But to follow an idle conversation while I'm busy, or my mind is someplace else, is the hardest mental exercise I've ever had to do in my life. I can do it, but never reliable. I am very resentful of the many times I've been yelled at, like a retarded person being yelled at for being retarded. I't enrages me so much, that if I don't subdue it, I'll start a domestic dispute. So if I ask and I get a funny look, a chuckle or an outright rebuke, I give up. Whatever I'm asking, whatever I should've known, should've listened to is just not worth the trouble. I love Lisa and the family too much, I'd rather be stupid. Lisa was right about Freudian slips, at least this time. What came out was a genuine resentment, even though it was uncalled for in the moment. Honesty doesn't have to come out so nasty, so if I can deal with this problem of listening to idle chat, I won't have to bottle up anger. God... Its not easy, I have to literally transcend the limits of my brain. I really am doing my best.
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