Minutiae

Since I've been on a ranting mood, I figured I should voice something that really drives me berserk when I look at so much rubbish that passes for contemporary art.

MINUTIAE!

Yes ladies and gentlemen! The best the 21st century has to offer - the banality of existence! Ohh discordia...

This could be the topic of one of my down-to-earth, socially critical paintings. Stay tuned!

Asserting my Artistic Career.

Today I got the result for the 2011-2012 emerging artists to be exhibited at the Monmouth Museum.

http://www.monmouthmuseum.org/emerging.html

Despite weeks of preparation to meet the entry criteria my work was rejected. There are several reasons for this, most of which I had already foreseen through divination. So it wasn't exactly a surprise, what DID surprise me is that instead of apathy, I have this fiery anger building within me.
Since the pains of submitting within the deadline I haven't given it much thought since yesterday. Today, rather than running to see the results, I slept with Lisa in the morning till 11ish, had breakfast then checked out the website. Upon seeing that it hadn't been updated yet Lisa looked over my shoulder and said she had checked twice before with no luck-she was even more curious than me. Later in the evening I'm chatting with Chris and he finds the 2011-2012 results before I do, by virtue of refreshing the page. He expressed his sorrow at the news and I shrugged it off, as I expected I would.

Alright, thats settles it. At least i can move on now. We had pulled a card for this early on, and it didn't look good for me. My work is "scary" to them.
Keep your eyes on these artists and you'll probably see a conformist streak in them -Right hand path.

The exchange speaks for itself.

Chris: i am very sorry

Luiz: http://local-artists.org/user/11666
Its no prob
Abstraction is rather safe now adays too

Chris: that comes across as a bit crowd pleasing but it really looks like something done fresh out of high school

Luiz: Lisa found this http://sica.org/INVOLVEMENT/Contacting.html

Hey If you hear of any local venue to get my work seen let me know. The only condition is that it should be indoors because of the paintings are large.

Chris: i will keep my eyes open

Luiz: http://carlosfrias.com/painting.html

Chris: do you believe there's a bias towards abstract art?
somehow that abstract art is still thought of as being something new and innovative and therefore should be expected of youth?
or new artists?

Luiz: I honestly don't know for sure in a provincial county like Monmouth.
Its hard to say

Chris: hm

Luiz: Abstraction and tame realism is easier to digest than narrative figurative paintings.

Chris: indeed

Luiz: This workshop on Sunday is rather timely for me

Chris: you mean the SICA?

Luiz: SICA?

Chris: Shore Institute of Contemporary Art
the link Lisa gave you

Luiz: Goetia with Lon Milo Duquette in Manhattan

Chris: OH
i had forgotten

Luiz: I've been planning to use that method for years now, but only recently I've been balanced enough to do it right.
Now I can step up my efforts using magick to augment my physical search.
bbl

Chris: k

Luiz: Back, i had to go out and get something

Chris: that's alright

Luiz: I was telling Lisa. I expected that I'd be a little more indifferent (even relieved) but instead I'm angry. And thats a good thing.

Chris: how so?

Luiz: I think I should write about it
I'll keep you posted

Chris: kk

So here I am, evaluating it for myself and putting it down as best I can.

My anger is twofold, microcosmic and macro-cosmic.

First, though I understand that this had to be just so, I am furious at the monumental waste of my time and energy when I could've had another painting finished. Life is short and art-making is shorter, efforts at self promotion willed at the wrong venue does a disservice to humanity, thus it is against my True Will - A painting's natural Will is to be seen. Furthermore, I'm outraged at having been required to put a price-tag on my work upfront for the submission, unless I'm already being represented by them, its none of their fucking business how my work translates to hard cash! The inclusion of my work is then, already tainted by monetary value, impartiality goes out the window when confronted with an easier sell. I can appreciate a free business model in professional galleries, but not when it comes to a hole in the wall of a provincial, self-proclaimed county museum.

On a macro-cosmic level, my wrath goes out to humanity's collective inertia and conformism. As I shall state in a future essay, the cultural establishment of society will pay lip service to the idea of "avant-gard" using it a marketing catch phrase. The establishment will strip any power the art might have had by appropriation and assimilation into the mainstream. Any art which follows the "left hand" path going against the grain of popular culture. This kind of art comes from men and women who see the strings coming from the puppeteer's hands, peer behind the veil seeing the great Wizard of Oz for what it is, a quack. It confronts us with symbolism that breaks the banality of ordinary existence, violently crushing our collective ego. Naturally this is much harder to digest and assimilate, thus it is often excluded, resisted, ignored. I must admit, perhaps I belong to this category, so I'm no safe sell. But my long-term historical relevance will be hard to dispute, along with many other currently underrated artists.

This anger is a good thing. Why, you ask? Because it moves me to action, I love a challenge, In fact I'd be highly suspicious of an "easy win." That's how I know this is meant to happen, perhaps even negating my aforementioned "waste of my fucking time" I love games, I love outwitting other players, I love winning - not just a win, but crushing my competition. Yeah, Lisa is right I'm a sore winner after all.

I have no resentment against any artist, hate the game, not the player, as they say. Artists of all walks of life work hard for what they get, so I'm happy for the ones that were picked. Still, there is room for all of us. My anger is thus directed against hidden subconscious forces without and within currently working against my Will. So I am bottling this anger, harnessing it as fuel for the next step in this operation - asserting my career upon the physical world. This will surely be a more esoteric topic for another post.

Creative Fear

My good friend, Chris made a very good keen criticism of our modern popular tales and a honest introspection about the paralyzing power of fear.
http://www.heptapod.org/

I couldn't resit replying in the following words.

I've just read your site.

Here is a thought that gets me through my creative insecurities. There is a lot of bad art getting lots of attention due *only* to the artist's will to persevere. I'f I can offer a better product, its my job to get it out there because no one else is doing it. Life is about causing ripples in the fabric of reality - that is making a difference.

I know where you're coming from, I used to feel that way. Now days I battle against apathy in the face of my obscurity so that it doesn't stop me from creating.

In esoteric parlance:
If God - the Big 0 or Great Fool never took a chance by jumping off the cliff of Nothingness to become the Big 1, there would be no Universe. I can understand wanting to exist/not exist in pure essence, but its not very practical.

Goodbye Target

Today I quit my job as a back room team member at Target, store 1192, Middletown NJ.

Its like every transitional event in life, good or bad, people hate change.

About two months ago Lisa told me about an upcoming screening at IFF for John's taste panel, the same one she works in. She mentioned it as an idea to get Leah's name in it when I curiously asked if men could give it a try, she pondered the question for a few seconds and said she'd ask about it. We pulled a few cards to see if I'd be a good fit using the Druid-craft deck and the 9 of Cups - a happy man sitting alone at a table surrounded by cups. As it turned out there was no restriction to male applicants, so I figured, why not? Fast forward to the Thursday before last, I come home from Target with the upcoming schedule full for the next two weeks for Tuesday and Thursday and Lisa tells me the screening starts that next Tuesday. I did ask for a heads up so I could change the schedule but they had just gathered enough candidates in the last minute. Isn't it strange? Weeks of working one day a week, sometimes off a whole week, they put me in for both those days in the two consecutive weeks that I'd be doing the IFF screening and possibly starting right away? Nothing was sure at that point, so my best strategy was to call in sick for both days while I screened for the panel. "How can I keep both jobs for a while", I thought. Target was like an old PC mouse or keyboard, its always good to have a spare, especially in this economy.

So I made the panel - no surprise there, I willed the outcome by becoming more sensitive (channeling the Cup suit) and lo-behold, the job started next Tuesday. "Oh now my Target job is really fucked" I didn't want to just leave that way, without having a day for closure. That sad part in all of this, is that its their own HR bureaucracy makes it difficult to deal honestly with them. I was actually relieved to get a phone call from Maria at IFF letting me know that Tuesday was cancelled (some of those soccer moms were too busy to attend). This gave me the "closure" day I needed. Even then, I held out hope of parting amicably enough to come back for the holidays when landscaping slows down and their demand for labor goes up.

So this Tuesday morning I get ready for work an discover that my car is having problems running, Lisa was kind enough to take me to work. This too is a strange "coincidence", the car breaking down just today, when it was still fine for the screening the week before. Working at IFF I won't need my own car as Lisa and I will carpool. I get there work my normal shift up until my break and ask for Cynthia, the HR team lead, she wasn't there today. When I explained the situation to Dawn, she simply asked "Are you quitting?" to which I confirmed with a resigned "yes". She proceeded to hand me a simple form listing the reasons why I'm leaving, days still available to work and room for comment. I managed to concisely summarize everything ending with "its been a pleasure to work here and I would do so again if needed." When I handed it in, with the same date for last day available I got a look. "You know, its still considered job abandonment if you can't work the days on the schedule. That means you're not eligible for re-hire." I shrugged "Yeeaaah..."
Having pulled a few cards from the Thoth deck that morning, I could tell that everything was running its course, there was no way for me to stop it. I just wasn't prepared for how uneventful and unceremonious the day was. During the emotional roller-coaster ride that this job was, I had moments of wild quitting fantasies of yelling and cursing at middle management. I dreamed of my last day consisting of shamelessly napping on a corner or riding the conveyor belt like a little kid, not actually working and saying goodbye to everyone like an adult. Almost everyone there seemed genuinely happy that I was moving on, many wished they could do the same. I can honestly say that this job taught me to be more zen about jobs in general. It was a shitty job that I've turned into an likable place to work by transforming my own attitude about it. Its by no means as bad as some other jobs, but I've certainly have had my moments. Working hard and greeting everyone was my way of projecting good will, far more satisfying than my infantile rebellious impulse (I suspect it stems from never openly defying my parents in childhood or teen years)

So its a bittersweet moment of change for me, although far more sweet than bitter. I'm looking forward to IFF now, where it'll be literally bitter-sweet-sour-salty with a hint of savory.

Sacred Rose Dream

Many noteworthy dreams... I keep meaning to write them, but don't get around to.

This is one is the most recent.

Coming off of another series of less symbolic dreams I returned to a garden from my earlier dreams. Originally it was lush, verdant, mostly in the shade from vast tree canopies, something you'd imagine out of a elven forest, but intimate, contained within a backyard of a dark abandoned house. The house was sometimes inhabited by a what I can only now assume was a hermit, though I would never see him. I've visited this place occasionally over the years, not a real place, but real in dream world. I suspect its related to an early dream version I've had since I was so young, that I couldn't distinguish dream and reality,a shady garden with a sacred rose growing at its center. Upon returning to this garden, the landscape had changed. It was a highland overlooking green hills and fields, like a plateu at a mountain, only it was now dry from a drought. The house was empty and the rose was now pink and growing from a tree branch, with its roots extending down to the ground from about six feet high. I was surprised the rose itself was still living amidst such dryness, I thought surely someone had set it upon the tree and cared for it, but now it's been left alone. The tree twisted around like a spiral as its branches grew, like something out of a fairy tale. As I got close to the base of the rose upon the tree I saw a sleeping lizard that looked like an evolutionary cross between lizard and chicken, scales camouflaged the color and texture of the tree.

I knew I had to water the rose, so I ran up the cement stairs, a new feature in the now abandoned house, and found a water faucet. I quickly turned it on and filled a bucket with a sponge in it, then leaning from the stair, my arms stretching longer than humanly possible, I poured a gentle sprinkle of water from the sponge. The effect was like a gentle rain on the tree. The strange reptile, now awakes and runs up the tree in the form of a ferret or a weasel -definitely mammal. He seemed disoriented by the sudden cold rain, and trying to run, knocked himself out, falling in a hollow branch. The branch was slowly filling itself up, covering the creature. Even though I didn't will for it to die, I couldn't stop pouring water for the rose's sake. It woke up in the last minute and arose to the surface, jutting its snout just above the water. The dream ends here.

I had to get this down, didn't even had time to edit it.

Religion is Bullshit

I've been trying to go to sleep but haven't really succeeded tonight. Instead my thoughts have strayed to my brother and trying to reconcile a civil relationship. I thought about the topic of religion, the reason why we fought in the first place. I was the instigator, as usual. I see ignorance and cannot leave it alone, thus becoming ignorant myself. The importance of what occurred to me is to let him know that his faith does not offend me, if it did what would that say about me? Should anything in the vast universe offend me? If it exists then it is as it should be, universal evolution doesn't depend on my petty egotistical desire to prove someone wrong. But if I'm to embrace the universe, how am I to explain unpleasant phenomenon? The most easily reviled matter that comes to mind is feces, we call tings we don't like shit. Its the final stage of matter after digestion, it can longer be absorbed by the body so as to provide any nourishment. What was once a desirable meal has had its essence digested and leaving a husk of shit behind. When babies need change or pets have accidents indoors the stench is unmistakable. So ponder on that for a moment, is there some use in its existence? Sure, nature is self sustaining, so it fertilizes soil, its great for potty humor and it gives us some wonderful descriptive terms to define things we hate, or just things in general. I can think of an allegory just like it.

Spiritual essence is digested by humanity in its mystical form through myths and dreams, leaving only the material remains adopted by religions in the form of dogmas (notice that they fixate on what people do with their bodies). Religious fundamentalism is humanity's metaphorical fecal matter, sure it stinks, but it exists for a reason. We see it in the world and strive to get rid of it's poison, we clean up its mess, we poke fun at it. Watch an extremist at a party tell people that they need to repent and find Jesus and you'll see them flee, just the same as if he took a dump on the carpet. Its quite funny actually, though sad in reality. Either way, it shouldn't personally offend anyone with genuine spiritual aspirations, its just bullshit. Looking at it this way, I don't know why I poked at this issue so much with my brother, I only made a messy situation smell even worse.

Demon Dream - Round 2

Today I took an afternoon nap while Irv and Lisa were out and Alden was at Kevin's. The dream begins in the house next door, same time and overcast weather as the actual day. The kitchen next door was empty, including the fridge we use for storage, in its place was the old round wooden table and two small chairs that used to belong to that kitchen. Lisa was sitting across from me facing the backdoor entrance into the kitchen, facing East. As we were talking I realized that this was a dream. I remembered that I had, in fact, taken a nap while she was out. I then lovingly reached out to her and tried to explain that I love her, but this is just a dream. I felt a surge upwards as my dream-body began to float away from her, even as I reached to touch her face.

Instead of awaking, the dream fades into another sequence in the same setting, though this time the table was set closer to the center of the room. Sitting at the North end of the table was Lisa again, though this time she was looking slightly downwards at the table, as though absent minded while muttering things to herself. I sat close to her at her right side, touched her arm leaning on the table and asked her what she was saying. She looked at me with malicious eyes that weren't her's at all and continued to mutter gibberish a little louder this. In my inexplicable dream-world understanding I knew it to be a demonic language, out of which I made out the words goetia and ritual or evocation. I was immediately reminded of a ritual I've been planning to do this month, though mundane life has made me forgetful. Today is March 16, 2010, for a while I had planned something for March 15th, even so, I had worked yesterday and upon coming home I was completely sidetracked by the day's activities. The period from march 11th to March 20th marks the calendar days attributed to Andromalius, a goetic spirit I've already employed in a relatively minor matter without any formal ritual. My suspicions that the earlier demonic dreams are connected with this spirit are all the stronger now, as they were in that dream-instant. I pulled away from touching not-Lisa and it vanished before my eyes, I was standing alone in the kitchen looking around, fully lucid. A defiant instinct in me drove to to call it “SHOW YOURSELF, DEMON!” Realizing that I was rashly calling it without any precaution, I closed my dream-eyes and forged a mental circle about me for protection. No circle was needed, it was gone and the scene needed to play out in my unconscious was over. I woke up groggy, just enough to realize real-from dream and went back to napping, vainly hoping to learn more.

Edit: Its important to note that at some point during this dream, I felt power all over my body, that feeling of enlightened rapture covering my sleeping body. Its like prolonged goosebumps, though that description alone doesn't do it justice. It flows from me like golden light radiating from the Sun. I don't remember the exact moment within the dream, I think I first sensed it when waking up from the first layer, but I'm not certain.

Old School Dream

Its hard to remember now how the dream actually started, it just faded into memory now. I remember arriving at my old high school in Long Island with a stack of three books I selected from mine and Lisa's library. I set them down in one corner of the art room and started planning another large painting commission. At that moment the pain of revisiting that place hit me all at once as I realized that Susan Hersh was no longer alive, a distant memory in my past. I thought of all the hassle of physically purchasing and assembling the same materials all over again on my own. The archival way of doing this only occurred to me just moments ago while awake. I was alone in the semi-dark room, with lights off and only the north light from the overcast day filtering into my surroundings enhancing the dream-like setting. Students started casually filing into the room, talking quietly amongst themselves pay no mind to me and my project. I remember a friend, Kerry as she looked in the past amongst them, I would identify Sean later. I was aware that I was older, as I am now, and slowly I began to see that the entire project was an unrealistic undertaking. I lived in NJ and had no place to stay, I was not about to even try my mother's house even if she took me in. I had 3 stacks of books because they were a way of bringing my home and my loved ones with me. The thought of Lisa made me want to drop everything and go home.

I looked at some of the student drawings and recognized poorly drawn versions of my own drawings from everyday life. Amongst them were a few drawings of Harmony, the black and white cat. I proceeded to interrupted their chatter about art and half-jokingly accuse them of stealing all my ideas, the room went silent and I walked away into the teacher's office next to the room. It occurred to me that I kept waiting to meet this other teacher that had replaced Sue there, but the teacher never arrived. It was like some unreal entity that everyone except myself knew, but never actually manifested itself in the dream. So there I was stuck in a teacher's role though it had nothing to do with what I was there for. At my best I observed student's behavior like a distant anthropologist, at my worse I felt the entire place was beneath me. When leaving I caught a conversation between Sean and a friend of his. It sounded like a critique of a art film his friend was working on about bi-sexual relationships, and I mused to myself on how progressive that was for a high school setting. That was the last passing observation as we all walked out of a school building that was by then structurally morphing into the school of my childhood in Brazil. The dream faded once again.

HGA

Why do I have this need for God? Why can't I exist like an animal, going day to day satisfied with my lot in life? Its like I drug, I always need a fix, never going long without one contemplation and aspiration for the Divine. The more I reach upwards, the farther the Star seems. I weep at the thought of my ego, my inadequacies, personal flaws and failures holding me back.

My Tarot Thesis

Truth veiled in Beauty

Lust

The thelemic doctrine on which this entire deck is based comes from Liber Al vel Legis known to most as the Book of the Law. In it we find this most liberating, yet spiritually binding decree.

Do what thy wilt shall be the whole of the Law. Love is the law, love under will.

“Do what thy wilt” applies to every inclination of your true being. You should always try to expand your horizons challenging what you think you like or dislike by trying new things. But if something doesn't resonate with you, you must be true to yourself. Struggling with sexual identity has been a long burden imposed on men and women of all ages by society's moral norms. Among them, young people are the most tormented as they're really trying to find and define their identity. Society doesn't help when it constantly tries to label and categorize people pigeonholing them in definitions such as gay, straight, bisexual, transgendered and such. You are not defined by any of these labels! Your sexual preference is simply an expression of your divine Will. Much like a genuine religious ritual, not a banal dwelling on the superficial act, but the meaning of the act to your libido, in other words - what gets you off. If you were to stop and reason through the exchange of saliva and other bodily fluids it seems gross to the mind, yet in the heat of passion we transcend these limitations of cold reason and don't question what turns us on. This sexual “turn on” switch is subjective and unique to every person, exactly like the experience of spiritual enlightenment (This is probably the best allegory to explain the enacting of True Will uninhibited by reason). It would be frustrating and counterproductive to be caught up in minutia, your sexual preference is the means to an end, you're not defined by the mean but the end - the climax that unites us all. Sex between two or more consenting individuals is the crux of freedom and the pursuit of happiness.

So if you're troubled by your culture's view of what you do in the bedroom, let's dispel these social pressures right now! To paraphrase Crowley, 'we are all one in essence and many in manifestation'. By observing the unique individual nature in each other, we're learning something new about the whole, the supreme nature of the universe. God - The Supreme Deity, Manifest Universe, learns about it's own nature through us, therefore homogeneity is the enemy of all nature. Succumbing to external pressure to normalize the individual to a common denominator is often a direct violation of one's True Will.

In the Book of the Law the feminine receptive principle manifested as Nuit describes that the “Word of sin is restriction” As Queen of Infinite Space she states:

“...I love you! I yearn to you! Pale or purple, veiled or voluptuous, I who am all pleasure and purple, and drunkenness of the innermost sense, desire you. Put on the wings, and arouse the coiled splendour within you: come unto me!” -Al 1:61

Hadit, the manifestation of the innermost God within all of us responds in part two.

“I am the Snake that giveth Knowledge & Delight and bright glory, and stir the hearts of men with drunkenness. To worship me take wine and strange drugs whereof I will tell my prophet, & be drunk thereof! They shall not harm ye at all. It is a lie, this folly against self. The exposure of innocence is a lie. Be strong, o man! lust, enjoy all things of sense and rapture: fear not that any God shall deny thee for this... I am the secret Serpent coiled about to spring: in my coiling there is joy. If I lift up my head, I and my Nuit are one. If I droop down mine head, and shoot forth venom, then is rapture of the earth, and I and the earth are one.” -Al 2:22;26

The Lust card is a depiction of this sacred ritual that unifies all consciousness through the unique expression of the Self in its various forms, but always with the essence of the Yin and the Yang in ecstasy.

Sex is a powerful magick tool available to all of us. In a figurative sense we're all pubescent children playing with each other. It can be just casual fun or it can be our embodiment of the primordial creative forces of the universe. Either way the spiritual principle behind the depiction of male and female intercourse is NOT to be taken strictly as a literal heterosexual coupling. This divine state of ecstasy is always a result of intercourse between a projector and a recipient, men and women can play both roles. If it's two men, one is the recipient and he becomes the scarlet woman or a manifestation of Nuit, infinity beckoning to be filled. The projector becomes the beast, or Hadit, answering the call and filling infinite space. Its the same with two women or men/women role reversal. This principle can be extended to include poly-amorous sex where a group of projectors are worshiping the recipient who embodies the priestess of infinity. I know for sure, that its against my Will that anyone should ever use my artwork as a basis for discrimination against anyone else. The important point of all this is that Lust is universal, there is no discrimination, the whore Goddess depicted in this card is Babylon, the refuser of none.

Dream: Spirit Possession.

I don't feel like writing anything at all right now, but I have to put this down because its significant. The night before last I had a dream, the usual large dark haunted house that recurs often. I was sometimes alone, sometimes with Lisa and Irv somewhere near. The place was haunted by a presence, an intelligent spirit that danced just on the edge of my peripheral vision. This wasn't a shade or a print of someone stuck in time and space, this was a spirit presence. It would rattle and move things around the house and while the base instinct of fear came over me, I easily overcame it with my urge to investigate the unknown. But as soon as I reached it, it would drop its manifestation and move on someplace else in the house, never actually confronting me or revealing anything of its nature beyond pointless mischief. After many frustrating repetitions I was very aware of the fact that I was dreaming and decided to wake up. I would get up from the couch, the house would be supernaturally dark, a dream darkness that permeates everything, defying physics, though somehow leaving the environment just visible enough to see my way around. A dream in a dream, how frustrating... I then forced myself to wake up and every time I thought I succeeded I would roll off the futon mattress only to realize I was still dreaming. After several times I concentrated hard enough to at least move on to different dreams, as though dream scenarios were windows navigating on the edge of my lucid dream state. I was able to move on to darkness of sleep then another dream entirely about an scenario in which I had never met Lisa and was perpetually stuck on the fringes of the dating game while trying to make it as an artist.

I told Lisa about this dream, same night when she had a zombie dream. The very next night it came back much worse. In this dream I remember being in the house in dream darkness as I've described before. I was on the computer when a feeling of what felt like drunkenness came over me, I get up and see Alden up and staring at me silently. I try to say something to him and realize that conscious movement and speech is much harder than I've ever experienced in my most drunk and stoned state of mind. Alden was puttering around the house getting something to eat in the kitchen when I started to levitate uncontrollably. I remember bumping into his coffee and spilling it over the counter. I felt a the beginnings of supernatural connection to something powerful, tried to channel it to fly away but only bumped my head against a glass window, not being able to break free to the outside. I could see the dark overcast day outside, empty, filled with possibilities, but I couldn’t break free on my own. I once again tried to wake up and rolled off bed, ran upstairs to Lisa and Irv and told them about this horrible nightmare. Staring at their dumbfound faces I realized that I was still dreaming, no matter what I said, they couldn't understand what I was talking about. I would feel goosebumps and numbness all over my body, I could just about feel my laying body, but couldn't wake up.

I tried again and roll off bed once again. This time I was in a different house, it was the house I lived in with my family in 2000, though only part of it, as though it somehow fit in with my current home in a hybrid form. I walk into a small room where Lisa was sitting in, dressed in her pink nightgown sitting on a single bed. There was another single bed across from her with a TV tray between the two, where she was readying her tarot cards for a reading. I walk in, she greets me, and I proceed to desperately tell her about my experiences for the past few dream-hours. I knew it was another dream. She was listening attentively and nodding when I explained to her that she wasn't the real Lisa, only a dream version, that in reality she was much more, a Goddess by comparison to this limited fraction of a psyche standing before me. I loved her just the same, and held her hands. I could tell that dream Lisa understood the meaning of everything I said and was still ever a comforting presence even if only being my unconscious projection of her. We sat across from each other and just was she was starting to shuffle cards I felt the beginning sparks of holy rapture within me, the sense of levitation again and soon, the realization of my inability to transcend the room I was in. I immediately understood that this was a state of false enlightenment, a simulation induced by the spirit toying with me, an experience so incomplete that later I would actually feel sorry for the spirit's inability to understand what its really like. It was only able to reproduce the most superficial sensations of enlightened rapture in my nervous system. Only I can complete the circuit as a conduit of Divine Will, connecting the above to the below, so it was really limited if it had tried to really fool me. (The highest demons can ascend to in the Tree of Life is Daath, where the Arch-demon Choronzon resides. It is Knowledge, their false summit, whereas Understanding lies beyond it, in Binah, the Mother, womb which birthed the Universe. Only souls birthed as humans starting at Malkuth can cross the Abyss. In this journey, demon spirits under your Will are redeemed and given a chance to ascend to higher realms. As we get promoted, so do they, filling the cosmic vacancy we leave behind as we ascend.)

I once again struggle to get up and roll off bed, repeating this series of fake awakenings until I murmur something out loud and momentarially wake up for real, for a brief second. I made a conscious mental note of the whole thing and went right back to sleep, hoping for relief in dreamlesness or some other dream. Instead the cycle continued, I've never before in my dreams experience this kind of demonic possession. Finally in the last fake awakening I immediately fell limp to the ground, by now I I'm sick of it all. Not yet sure if this was dream or not I thought If only I could get upstairs I could get some help from Irv and Lisa, they're all I have when I'm in distress. So crawling on the floor near the foot of the stairs I yell “I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF THIS!” and I roared so loud that if it was real someone in the house would wake up and help me, I was furious. With that I broke free and woke up again to the sound of my voice. This time I opened my eyes, wiped off some of the drowsiness and looked around the room. I could hear the spirit inside my head still whispering generally dickish musings, mostly unintelligible gibberish which I can't recall. I seriously thought about going upstairs and sleep on the side mattress next to Lisa, but I had work the next morning and didn't want to risk not getting up from the alarm clock in the living room. So I mentally told the spirit “Go to sleep or whatever the hell you do. Let me sleep, I have have work in the morning, this is not a good time for this.” I then promptly fell into a pleasant dreamless sleep.

I told Lisa about this dream and we speculated this being my depression or something. I've been working on compositions of the Holy Guarding Angel present symbolically in Hierophant and figuratively in the Art card. She suggested it could be a backlash from below. This merits a tarot reading.

Edit: What Lisa said wasn't just simply dismissive of me chalking it up to depression, it was much more complex. I just got tired of writing tonight, this was for a dream record only.

Government

Percival is the true champion of the Holy Grail. Galahad was a later sterilization of the myth, taking it from a left hand path, to a right hand path mythology, supporting the inhumanity of Christian philosophy. Percival, being fully human, attains the Holy Grail by Love, not the sterile purity of Galahad, he is thus the rightful knight depicted in the atus 7, The Chariot. He is the paladin, the holy warrior of the new Aeon.

4 + 7 = 11

Seven who rest in seven, seven who live by seven, the seven who govern the seven, and seven by whom all government is.

Love is the Law

This is the most supreme expression of government there is, the secret to my improved understanding of The Emperor. The king and the land are one, to change within is to change without. The king without the grail withers and dies and the land with him. This is manifested in the raw tyranny that curse the land choking individual free will, if government upsets the universal balance, the universal balance is bound to upset government, and eventually overthrow it. This cycle has often resulted in the death of empires. But if the king is transformed at his core by the power of the grail, he not only heals himself, he also heals the land and his subjects, bringing longevity to his sovereignty.

This Law of Liberty can be applied in many levels. In goetia this means that Divine Love must be applied to the demonic parts of your psyche to compel it to positive change in compliance with True Will, effectively building your own temple. I've often pondered on the menial demands of ego-seeking magicians upon these entities. As reflected in their own blogs, this apparent tyranny is the very thing which upsets the balance and overthrows the magician.

4 - This is the square, its the terrible four letter word of the Almighty, the Tetragrammaton, The Emperor, the four elements manifested in all matter. The human need to quantify, label, rationalize, categorize and organize the volatile forces of nature. Its a necessary foundation essential for human development, for patronage of the arts and sciences, for civilization as a whole. We are housed in square boxes, protected from exposure to the elements, from total anarchy. Left unchecked it becomes tyranny, stagnation, no room for growth.

On a grand scale, applied to the world's governments, this is a great paradox in human existence, and its most evident in America, “land of the free”, which brings to mind the saying “freedom isn't free.” For ages freedom has not been in the best interest of governments. Even today, the media, religious institutions and corporations are metaphorical expansions of government. They're inseparably tied in a net mutual interests with the government, influencing policies in ways that individuals can't compete. They're allowed to inhibit personal freedoms without outcry from the masses because they have ways of manipulating public opinion in their favor, or diverting attention away from their sleight of hand. This is why government is always slow to catch on with the their own subjects demands for personal freedom as seen in the civil rights movement of the 60's and the current issues of gay marriage and decriminalization of marijuana. The fact is, this has been going on since the birth of this nation, since the birth of government in ancient tribal civilizations.

7 - The metaphorical “Holy Grail” in this case is that instinct within certain individual leaders within government to lead the nation in a new progressive direction even while still manipulating the old network of special interest groups that fund the government. It takes a heroic individual to every so often lead the masses and outwit the machine, they're the great leaders in human history. This is king Arthur, energized by the grail, charging forth conquering his foes and healing the land. These heroic individuals, often driven by a need to leave their mark upon the world, are the sum of the parts 4 and 7. They're 11 in the world of government, symbolic of the ultimate victory of the individual Will over the masses and all of the complex machinery that resists change. This is not exactly a moral statement. As love and hate are twins, this individual could be manifested as Franklin D Roosevelt or Adolph Hitler, playing an active role for “good” or “evil” in the human drama. The difference, as in these two examples, is that one ultimately unites and the other ultimately divides his nation. In the big picture, both have brought about irreversible change upon the system.

Christian Morning.

Facebook status:

I just woke up from a terrible nightmare. Self-proclaimed Christian churches everywhere were misleading men and women. I'm really glad it was just a bad dream...

How I actually feel:

Sometimes I wake up in the morning and ask myself, what can I do today to eradicate Christianity from the face of the Earth? And your answer might be "they're already doing it themselves". To that I say "not fast enough".

RIP Tortured Programmer.

http://gizmodo.com/5726667/the-agonizing-last-words-of-bill-zeller

Sorry I didn't get to you in time. I would give 5 years of my life span, for 5 minutes to connect with you, and perhaps save your life. Rest in peace in your embrace of infinity. Let every aspect of your consciousness be filled with Joy and Strength in your next journey with us.