I don't feel like writing anything at all right now, but I have to put this down because its significant. The night before last I had a dream, the usual large dark haunted house that recurs often. I was sometimes alone, sometimes with Lisa and Irv somewhere near. The place was haunted by a presence, an intelligent spirit that danced just on the edge of my peripheral vision. This wasn't a shade or a print of someone stuck in time and space, this was a spirit presence. It would rattle and move things around the house and while the base instinct of fear came over me, I easily overcame it with my urge to investigate the unknown. But as soon as I reached it, it would drop its manifestation and move on someplace else in the house, never actually confronting me or revealing anything of its nature beyond pointless mischief. After many frustrating repetitions I was very aware of the fact that I was dreaming and decided to wake up. I would get up from the couch, the house would be supernaturally dark, a dream darkness that permeates everything, defying physics, though somehow leaving the environment just visible enough to see my way around. A dream in a dream, how frustrating... I then forced myself to wake up and every time I thought I succeeded I would roll off the futon mattress only to realize I was still dreaming. After several times I concentrated hard enough to at least move on to different dreams, as though dream scenarios were windows navigating on the edge of my lucid dream state. I was able to move on to darkness of sleep then another dream entirely about an scenario in which I had never met Lisa and was perpetually stuck on the fringes of the dating game while trying to make it as an artist.
I told Lisa about this dream, same night when she had a zombie dream. The very next night it came back much worse. In this dream I remember being in the house in dream darkness as I've described before. I was on the computer when a feeling of what felt like drunkenness came over me, I get up and see Alden up and staring at me silently. I try to say something to him and realize that conscious movement and speech is much harder than I've ever experienced in my most drunk and stoned state of mind. Alden was puttering around the house getting something to eat in the kitchen when I started to levitate uncontrollably. I remember bumping into his coffee and spilling it over the counter. I felt a the beginnings of supernatural connection to something powerful, tried to channel it to fly away but only bumped my head against a glass window, not being able to break free to the outside. I could see the dark overcast day outside, empty, filled with possibilities, but I couldn’t break free on my own. I once again tried to wake up and rolled off bed, ran upstairs to Lisa and Irv and told them about this horrible nightmare. Staring at their dumbfound faces I realized that I was still dreaming, no matter what I said, they couldn't understand what I was talking about. I would feel goosebumps and numbness all over my body, I could just about feel my laying body, but couldn't wake up.
I tried again and roll off bed once again. This time I was in a different house, it was the house I lived in with my family in 2000, though only part of it, as though it somehow fit in with my current home in a hybrid form. I walk into a small room where Lisa was sitting in, dressed in her pink nightgown sitting on a single bed. There was another single bed across from her with a TV tray between the two, where she was readying her tarot cards for a reading. I walk in, she greets me, and I proceed to desperately tell her about my experiences for the past few dream-hours. I knew it was another dream. She was listening attentively and nodding when I explained to her that she wasn't the real Lisa, only a dream version, that in reality she was much more, a Goddess by comparison to this limited fraction of a psyche standing before me. I loved her just the same, and held her hands. I could tell that dream Lisa understood the meaning of everything I said and was still ever a comforting presence even if only being my unconscious projection of her. We sat across from each other and just was she was starting to shuffle cards I felt the beginning sparks of holy rapture within me, the sense of levitation again and soon, the realization of my inability to transcend the room I was in. I immediately understood that this was a state of false enlightenment, a simulation induced by the spirit toying with me, an experience so incomplete that later I would actually feel sorry for the spirit's inability to understand what its really like. It was only able to reproduce the most superficial sensations of enlightened rapture in my nervous system. Only I can complete the circuit as a conduit of Divine Will, connecting the above to the below, so it was really limited if it had tried to really fool me. (The highest demons can ascend to in the Tree of Life is Daath, where the Arch-demon Choronzon resides. It is Knowledge, their false summit, whereas Understanding lies beyond it, in Binah, the Mother, womb which birthed the Universe. Only souls birthed as humans starting at Malkuth can cross the Abyss. In this journey, demon spirits under your Will are redeemed and given a chance to ascend to higher realms. As we get promoted, so do they, filling the cosmic vacancy we leave behind as we ascend.)
I once again struggle to get up and roll off bed, repeating this series of fake awakenings until I murmur something out loud and momentarially wake up for real, for a brief second. I made a conscious mental note of the whole thing and went right back to sleep, hoping for relief in dreamlesness or some other dream. Instead the cycle continued, I've never before in my dreams experience this kind of demonic possession. Finally in the last fake awakening I immediately fell limp to the ground, by now I I'm sick of it all. Not yet sure if this was dream or not I thought If only I could get upstairs I could get some help from Irv and Lisa, they're all I have when I'm in distress. So crawling on the floor near the foot of the stairs I yell “I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF THIS!” and I roared so loud that if it was real someone in the house would wake up and help me, I was furious. With that I broke free and woke up again to the sound of my voice. This time I opened my eyes, wiped off some of the drowsiness and looked around the room. I could hear the spirit inside my head still whispering generally dickish musings, mostly unintelligible gibberish which I can't recall. I seriously thought about going upstairs and sleep on the side mattress next to Lisa, but I had work the next morning and didn't want to risk not getting up from the alarm clock in the living room. So I mentally told the spirit “Go to sleep or whatever the hell you do. Let me sleep, I have have work in the morning, this is not a good time for this.” I then promptly fell into a pleasant dreamless sleep.
I told Lisa about this dream and we speculated this being my depression or something. I've been working on compositions of the Holy Guarding Angel present symbolically in Hierophant and figuratively in the Art card. She suggested it could be a backlash from below. This merits a tarot reading.
Edit: What Lisa said wasn't just simply dismissive of me chalking it up to depression, it was much more complex. I just got tired of writing tonight, this was for a dream record only.
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