Misunderstanding

Lisa and I talked for a while. There was a misunderstanding, thanks to the general ambiguity of text without expressive cues. I read what she said, and interpreted it as a statement about my ego ruining my life. I replied with an "Yes." She meant that the hardest thing for me, about all this, was looking like an idiot. Believe it or not, this is not the most idiotic thing I've ever done. I don't care about how I look, obviously. I care that I hurt her this bad. I care that it blindsided her and I alike. I care that a bottled up some nasty emotions and pasted a smile on my lips. I care that I've been this controlling of others all my life. All because my precious little ego needs validation. 

I know I wrote some silly things. The ramblings of an idiot grasping at straws. I had to write, and didn't know what else to do. It still helps me navigate the bullshit, more so now that we're communicating better. Lisa is hurt and furious all at once. Irv and Jake are still angry. I've alienated Michele to another dimension. All in the space of a few hours. Was that enough damage for me to realize there was something seriously wrong with me? I can't afford to be depressed about this, but I also can't afford to make more mistakes like this. It's down to evolve or die trying.

Her and Jake keep bringing up Shadow. This isn't entirely fair to me. I've never even met the guy, but it scares her how much I'm like him. She sees me reading The Lesser Key and thinks I'm out to control others under my spell. If there is one thing I learned is that I care far more about myself than others. In fact, I don't even pay attention to details like the music they listen to, until I stumble upon it on my own. I have no desire to control others with gross magick, but I'm far more interested in controlling my own impulses. That's what this school of magick is all about, self-mastery. This is a classic case of being blinded by my own demons. I might as well have summoned one and asked it to break Lisa's trust and social life. It's more dangerous not to face the darkest aspect of myself. I've been clinging to higher powers, the "neophyte's glamour" of the Great Work, while forgetting all about my lower nature. It creeps up in ugly ways like this. As above, so below. I have been this ugly my whole life. It ends here.