My good friend, Chris made a very good keen criticism of our modern popular tales and a honest introspection about the paralyzing power of fear.
http://www.heptapod.org/
I couldn't resit replying in the following words.
I've just read your site.
Here is a thought that gets me through my creative insecurities. There is a lot of bad art getting lots of attention due *only* to the artist's will to persevere. I'f I can offer a better product, its my job to get it out there because no one else is doing it. Life is about causing ripples in the fabric of reality - that is making a difference.
I know where you're coming from, I used to feel that way. Now days I battle against apathy in the face of my obscurity so that it doesn't stop me from creating.
In esoteric parlance:
If God - the Big 0 or Great Fool never took a chance by jumping off the cliff of Nothingness to become the Big 1, there would be no Universe. I can understand wanting to exist/not exist in pure essence, but its not very practical.
Tuesday, April 19, 2011
Goodbye Target
Today I quit my job as a back room team member at Target, store 1192, Middletown NJ.
Its like every transitional event in life, good or bad, people hate change.
About two months ago Lisa told me about an upcoming screening at IFF for John's taste panel, the same one she works in. She mentioned it as an idea to get Leah's name in it when I curiously asked if men could give it a try, she pondered the question for a few seconds and said she'd ask about it. We pulled a few cards to see if I'd be a good fit using the Druid-craft deck and the 9 of Cups - a happy man sitting alone at a table surrounded by cups. As it turned out there was no restriction to male applicants, so I figured, why not? Fast forward to the Thursday before last, I come home from Target with the upcoming schedule full for the next two weeks for Tuesday and Thursday and Lisa tells me the screening starts that next Tuesday. I did ask for a heads up so I could change the schedule but they had just gathered enough candidates in the last minute. Isn't it strange? Weeks of working one day a week, sometimes off a whole week, they put me in for both those days in the two consecutive weeks that I'd be doing the IFF screening and possibly starting right away? Nothing was sure at that point, so my best strategy was to call in sick for both days while I screened for the panel. "How can I keep both jobs for a while", I thought. Target was like an old PC mouse or keyboard, its always good to have a spare, especially in this economy.
So I made the panel - no surprise there, I willed the outcome by becoming more sensitive (channeling the Cup suit) and lo-behold, the job started next Tuesday. "Oh now my Target job is really fucked" I didn't want to just leave that way, without having a day for closure. That sad part in all of this, is that its their own HR bureaucracy makes it difficult to deal honestly with them. I was actually relieved to get a phone call from Maria at IFF letting me know that Tuesday was cancelled (some of those soccer moms were too busy to attend). This gave me the "closure" day I needed. Even then, I held out hope of parting amicably enough to come back for the holidays when landscaping slows down and their demand for labor goes up.
So this Tuesday morning I get ready for work an discover that my car is having problems running, Lisa was kind enough to take me to work. This too is a strange "coincidence", the car breaking down just today, when it was still fine for the screening the week before. Working at IFF I won't need my own car as Lisa and I will carpool. I get there work my normal shift up until my break and ask for Cynthia, the HR team lead, she wasn't there today. When I explained the situation to Dawn, she simply asked "Are you quitting?" to which I confirmed with a resigned "yes". She proceeded to hand me a simple form listing the reasons why I'm leaving, days still available to work and room for comment. I managed to concisely summarize everything ending with "its been a pleasure to work here and I would do so again if needed." When I handed it in, with the same date for last day available I got a look. "You know, its still considered job abandonment if you can't work the days on the schedule. That means you're not eligible for re-hire." I shrugged "Yeeaaah..."
Having pulled a few cards from the Thoth deck that morning, I could tell that everything was running its course, there was no way for me to stop it. I just wasn't prepared for how uneventful and unceremonious the day was. During the emotional roller-coaster ride that this job was, I had moments of wild quitting fantasies of yelling and cursing at middle management. I dreamed of my last day consisting of shamelessly napping on a corner or riding the conveyor belt like a little kid, not actually working and saying goodbye to everyone like an adult. Almost everyone there seemed genuinely happy that I was moving on, many wished they could do the same. I can honestly say that this job taught me to be more zen about jobs in general. It was a shitty job that I've turned into an likable place to work by transforming my own attitude about it. Its by no means as bad as some other jobs, but I've certainly have had my moments. Working hard and greeting everyone was my way of projecting good will, far more satisfying than my infantile rebellious impulse (I suspect it stems from never openly defying my parents in childhood or teen years)
So its a bittersweet moment of change for me, although far more sweet than bitter. I'm looking forward to IFF now, where it'll be literally bitter-sweet-sour-salty with a hint of savory.
Its like every transitional event in life, good or bad, people hate change.
About two months ago Lisa told me about an upcoming screening at IFF for John's taste panel, the same one she works in. She mentioned it as an idea to get Leah's name in it when I curiously asked if men could give it a try, she pondered the question for a few seconds and said she'd ask about it. We pulled a few cards to see if I'd be a good fit using the Druid-craft deck and the 9 of Cups - a happy man sitting alone at a table surrounded by cups. As it turned out there was no restriction to male applicants, so I figured, why not? Fast forward to the Thursday before last, I come home from Target with the upcoming schedule full for the next two weeks for Tuesday and Thursday and Lisa tells me the screening starts that next Tuesday. I did ask for a heads up so I could change the schedule but they had just gathered enough candidates in the last minute. Isn't it strange? Weeks of working one day a week, sometimes off a whole week, they put me in for both those days in the two consecutive weeks that I'd be doing the IFF screening and possibly starting right away? Nothing was sure at that point, so my best strategy was to call in sick for both days while I screened for the panel. "How can I keep both jobs for a while", I thought. Target was like an old PC mouse or keyboard, its always good to have a spare, especially in this economy.
So I made the panel - no surprise there, I willed the outcome by becoming more sensitive (channeling the Cup suit) and lo-behold, the job started next Tuesday. "Oh now my Target job is really fucked" I didn't want to just leave that way, without having a day for closure. That sad part in all of this, is that its their own HR bureaucracy makes it difficult to deal honestly with them. I was actually relieved to get a phone call from Maria at IFF letting me know that Tuesday was cancelled (some of those soccer moms were too busy to attend). This gave me the "closure" day I needed. Even then, I held out hope of parting amicably enough to come back for the holidays when landscaping slows down and their demand for labor goes up.
So this Tuesday morning I get ready for work an discover that my car is having problems running, Lisa was kind enough to take me to work. This too is a strange "coincidence", the car breaking down just today, when it was still fine for the screening the week before. Working at IFF I won't need my own car as Lisa and I will carpool. I get there work my normal shift up until my break and ask for Cynthia, the HR team lead, she wasn't there today. When I explained the situation to Dawn, she simply asked "Are you quitting?" to which I confirmed with a resigned "yes". She proceeded to hand me a simple form listing the reasons why I'm leaving, days still available to work and room for comment. I managed to concisely summarize everything ending with "its been a pleasure to work here and I would do so again if needed." When I handed it in, with the same date for last day available I got a look. "You know, its still considered job abandonment if you can't work the days on the schedule. That means you're not eligible for re-hire." I shrugged "Yeeaaah..."
Having pulled a few cards from the Thoth deck that morning, I could tell that everything was running its course, there was no way for me to stop it. I just wasn't prepared for how uneventful and unceremonious the day was. During the emotional roller-coaster ride that this job was, I had moments of wild quitting fantasies of yelling and cursing at middle management. I dreamed of my last day consisting of shamelessly napping on a corner or riding the conveyor belt like a little kid, not actually working and saying goodbye to everyone like an adult. Almost everyone there seemed genuinely happy that I was moving on, many wished they could do the same. I can honestly say that this job taught me to be more zen about jobs in general. It was a shitty job that I've turned into an likable place to work by transforming my own attitude about it. Its by no means as bad as some other jobs, but I've certainly have had my moments. Working hard and greeting everyone was my way of projecting good will, far more satisfying than my infantile rebellious impulse (I suspect it stems from never openly defying my parents in childhood or teen years)
So its a bittersweet moment of change for me, although far more sweet than bitter. I'm looking forward to IFF now, where it'll be literally bitter-sweet-sour-salty with a hint of savory.
Wednesday, April 13, 2011
Sacred Rose Dream
Many noteworthy dreams... I keep meaning to write them, but don't get around to.
This is one is the most recent.
Coming off of another series of less symbolic dreams I returned to a garden from my earlier dreams. Originally it was lush, verdant, mostly in the shade from vast tree canopies, something you'd imagine out of a elven forest, but intimate, contained within a backyard of a dark abandoned house. The house was sometimes inhabited by a what I can only now assume was a hermit, though I would never see him. I've visited this place occasionally over the years, not a real place, but real in dream world. I suspect its related to an early dream version I've had since I was so young, that I couldn't distinguish dream and reality,a shady garden with a sacred rose growing at its center. Upon returning to this garden, the landscape had changed. It was a highland overlooking green hills and fields, like a plateu at a mountain, only it was now dry from a drought. The house was empty and the rose was now pink and growing from a tree branch, with its roots extending down to the ground from about six feet high. I was surprised the rose itself was still living amidst such dryness, I thought surely someone had set it upon the tree and cared for it, but now it's been left alone. The tree twisted around like a spiral as its branches grew, like something out of a fairy tale. As I got close to the base of the rose upon the tree I saw a sleeping lizard that looked like an evolutionary cross between lizard and chicken, scales camouflaged the color and texture of the tree.
I knew I had to water the rose, so I ran up the cement stairs, a new feature in the now abandoned house, and found a water faucet. I quickly turned it on and filled a bucket with a sponge in it, then leaning from the stair, my arms stretching longer than humanly possible, I poured a gentle sprinkle of water from the sponge. The effect was like a gentle rain on the tree. The strange reptile, now awakes and runs up the tree in the form of a ferret or a weasel -definitely mammal. He seemed disoriented by the sudden cold rain, and trying to run, knocked himself out, falling in a hollow branch. The branch was slowly filling itself up, covering the creature. Even though I didn't will for it to die, I couldn't stop pouring water for the rose's sake. It woke up in the last minute and arose to the surface, jutting its snout just above the water. The dream ends here.
I had to get this down, didn't even had time to edit it.
This is one is the most recent.
Coming off of another series of less symbolic dreams I returned to a garden from my earlier dreams. Originally it was lush, verdant, mostly in the shade from vast tree canopies, something you'd imagine out of a elven forest, but intimate, contained within a backyard of a dark abandoned house. The house was sometimes inhabited by a what I can only now assume was a hermit, though I would never see him. I've visited this place occasionally over the years, not a real place, but real in dream world. I suspect its related to an early dream version I've had since I was so young, that I couldn't distinguish dream and reality,a shady garden with a sacred rose growing at its center. Upon returning to this garden, the landscape had changed. It was a highland overlooking green hills and fields, like a plateu at a mountain, only it was now dry from a drought. The house was empty and the rose was now pink and growing from a tree branch, with its roots extending down to the ground from about six feet high. I was surprised the rose itself was still living amidst such dryness, I thought surely someone had set it upon the tree and cared for it, but now it's been left alone. The tree twisted around like a spiral as its branches grew, like something out of a fairy tale. As I got close to the base of the rose upon the tree I saw a sleeping lizard that looked like an evolutionary cross between lizard and chicken, scales camouflaged the color and texture of the tree.
I knew I had to water the rose, so I ran up the cement stairs, a new feature in the now abandoned house, and found a water faucet. I quickly turned it on and filled a bucket with a sponge in it, then leaning from the stair, my arms stretching longer than humanly possible, I poured a gentle sprinkle of water from the sponge. The effect was like a gentle rain on the tree. The strange reptile, now awakes and runs up the tree in the form of a ferret or a weasel -definitely mammal. He seemed disoriented by the sudden cold rain, and trying to run, knocked himself out, falling in a hollow branch. The branch was slowly filling itself up, covering the creature. Even though I didn't will for it to die, I couldn't stop pouring water for the rose's sake. It woke up in the last minute and arose to the surface, jutting its snout just above the water. The dream ends here.
I had to get this down, didn't even had time to edit it.
Monday, March 28, 2011
Religion is Bullshit
I've been trying to go to sleep but haven't really succeeded tonight. Instead my thoughts have strayed to my brother and trying to reconcile a civil relationship. I thought about the topic of religion, the reason why we fought in the first place. I was the instigator, as usual. I see ignorance and cannot leave it alone, thus becoming ignorant myself. The importance of what occurred to me is to let him know that his faith does not offend me, if it did what would that say about me? Should anything in the vast universe offend me? If it exists then it is as it should be, universal evolution doesn't depend on my petty egotistical desire to prove someone wrong. But if I'm to embrace the universe, how am I to explain unpleasant phenomenon? The most easily reviled matter that comes to mind is feces, we call tings we don't like shit. Its the final stage of matter after digestion, it can longer be absorbed by the body so as to provide any nourishment. What was once a desirable meal has had its essence digested and leaving a husk of shit behind. When babies need change or pets have accidents indoors the stench is unmistakable. So ponder on that for a moment, is there some use in its existence? Sure, nature is self sustaining, so it fertilizes soil, its great for potty humor and it gives us some wonderful descriptive terms to define things we hate, or just things in general. I can think of an allegory just like it.
Spiritual essence is digested by humanity in its mystical form through myths and dreams, leaving only the material remains adopted by religions in the form of dogmas (notice that they fixate on what people do with their bodies). Religious fundamentalism is humanity's metaphorical fecal matter, sure it stinks, but it exists for a reason. We see it in the world and strive to get rid of it's poison, we clean up its mess, we poke fun at it. Watch an extremist at a party tell people that they need to repent and find Jesus and you'll see them flee, just the same as if he took a dump on the carpet. Its quite funny actually, though sad in reality. Either way, it shouldn't personally offend anyone with genuine spiritual aspirations, its just bullshit. Looking at it this way, I don't know why I poked at this issue so much with my brother, I only made a messy situation smell even worse.
Spiritual essence is digested by humanity in its mystical form through myths and dreams, leaving only the material remains adopted by religions in the form of dogmas (notice that they fixate on what people do with their bodies). Religious fundamentalism is humanity's metaphorical fecal matter, sure it stinks, but it exists for a reason. We see it in the world and strive to get rid of it's poison, we clean up its mess, we poke fun at it. Watch an extremist at a party tell people that they need to repent and find Jesus and you'll see them flee, just the same as if he took a dump on the carpet. Its quite funny actually, though sad in reality. Either way, it shouldn't personally offend anyone with genuine spiritual aspirations, its just bullshit. Looking at it this way, I don't know why I poked at this issue so much with my brother, I only made a messy situation smell even worse.
Wednesday, March 16, 2011
Demon Dream - Round 2
Today I took an afternoon nap while Irv and Lisa were out and Alden was at Kevin's. The dream begins in the house next door, same time and overcast weather as the actual day. The kitchen next door was empty, including the fridge we use for storage, in its place was the old round wooden table and two small chairs that used to belong to that kitchen. Lisa was sitting across from me facing the backdoor entrance into the kitchen, facing East. As we were talking I realized that this was a dream. I remembered that I had, in fact, taken a nap while she was out. I then lovingly reached out to her and tried to explain that I love her, but this is just a dream. I felt a surge upwards as my dream-body began to float away from her, even as I reached to touch her face.
Instead of awaking, the dream fades into another sequence in the same setting, though this time the table was set closer to the center of the room. Sitting at the North end of the table was Lisa again, though this time she was looking slightly downwards at the table, as though absent minded while muttering things to herself. I sat close to her at her right side, touched her arm leaning on the table and asked her what she was saying. She looked at me with malicious eyes that weren't her's at all and continued to mutter gibberish a little louder this. In my inexplicable dream-world understanding I knew it to be a demonic language, out of which I made out the words goetia and ritual or evocation. I was immediately reminded of a ritual I've been planning to do this month, though mundane life has made me forgetful. Today is March 16, 2010, for a while I had planned something for March 15th, even so, I had worked yesterday and upon coming home I was completely sidetracked by the day's activities. The period from march 11th to March 20th marks the calendar days attributed to Andromalius, a goetic spirit I've already employed in a relatively minor matter without any formal ritual. My suspicions that the earlier demonic dreams are connected with this spirit are all the stronger now, as they were in that dream-instant. I pulled away from touching not-Lisa and it vanished before my eyes, I was standing alone in the kitchen looking around, fully lucid. A defiant instinct in me drove to to call it “SHOW YOURSELF, DEMON!” Realizing that I was rashly calling it without any precaution, I closed my dream-eyes and forged a mental circle about me for protection. No circle was needed, it was gone and the scene needed to play out in my unconscious was over. I woke up groggy, just enough to realize real-from dream and went back to napping, vainly hoping to learn more.
Edit: Its important to note that at some point during this dream, I felt power all over my body, that feeling of enlightened rapture covering my sleeping body. Its like prolonged goosebumps, though that description alone doesn't do it justice. It flows from me like golden light radiating from the Sun. I don't remember the exact moment within the dream, I think I first sensed it when waking up from the first layer, but I'm not certain.
Instead of awaking, the dream fades into another sequence in the same setting, though this time the table was set closer to the center of the room. Sitting at the North end of the table was Lisa again, though this time she was looking slightly downwards at the table, as though absent minded while muttering things to herself. I sat close to her at her right side, touched her arm leaning on the table and asked her what she was saying. She looked at me with malicious eyes that weren't her's at all and continued to mutter gibberish a little louder this. In my inexplicable dream-world understanding I knew it to be a demonic language, out of which I made out the words goetia and ritual or evocation. I was immediately reminded of a ritual I've been planning to do this month, though mundane life has made me forgetful. Today is March 16, 2010, for a while I had planned something for March 15th, even so, I had worked yesterday and upon coming home I was completely sidetracked by the day's activities. The period from march 11th to March 20th marks the calendar days attributed to Andromalius, a goetic spirit I've already employed in a relatively minor matter without any formal ritual. My suspicions that the earlier demonic dreams are connected with this spirit are all the stronger now, as they were in that dream-instant. I pulled away from touching not-Lisa and it vanished before my eyes, I was standing alone in the kitchen looking around, fully lucid. A defiant instinct in me drove to to call it “SHOW YOURSELF, DEMON!” Realizing that I was rashly calling it without any precaution, I closed my dream-eyes and forged a mental circle about me for protection. No circle was needed, it was gone and the scene needed to play out in my unconscious was over. I woke up groggy, just enough to realize real-from dream and went back to napping, vainly hoping to learn more.
Edit: Its important to note that at some point during this dream, I felt power all over my body, that feeling of enlightened rapture covering my sleeping body. Its like prolonged goosebumps, though that description alone doesn't do it justice. It flows from me like golden light radiating from the Sun. I don't remember the exact moment within the dream, I think I first sensed it when waking up from the first layer, but I'm not certain.
Saturday, March 12, 2011
Old School Dream
Its hard to remember now how the dream actually started, it just faded into memory now. I remember arriving at my old high school in Long Island with a stack of three books I selected from mine and Lisa's library. I set them down in one corner of the art room and started planning another large painting commission. At that moment the pain of revisiting that place hit me all at once as I realized that Susan Hersh was no longer alive, a distant memory in my past. I thought of all the hassle of physically purchasing and assembling the same materials all over again on my own. The archival way of doing this only occurred to me just moments ago while awake. I was alone in the semi-dark room, with lights off and only the north light from the overcast day filtering into my surroundings enhancing the dream-like setting. Students started casually filing into the room, talking quietly amongst themselves pay no mind to me and my project. I remember a friend, Kerry as she looked in the past amongst them, I would identify Sean later. I was aware that I was older, as I am now, and slowly I began to see that the entire project was an unrealistic undertaking. I lived in NJ and had no place to stay, I was not about to even try my mother's house even if she took me in. I had 3 stacks of books because they were a way of bringing my home and my loved ones with me. The thought of Lisa made me want to drop everything and go home.
I looked at some of the student drawings and recognized poorly drawn versions of my own drawings from everyday life. Amongst them were a few drawings of Harmony, the black and white cat. I proceeded to interrupted their chatter about art and half-jokingly accuse them of stealing all my ideas, the room went silent and I walked away into the teacher's office next to the room. It occurred to me that I kept waiting to meet this other teacher that had replaced Sue there, but the teacher never arrived. It was like some unreal entity that everyone except myself knew, but never actually manifested itself in the dream. So there I was stuck in a teacher's role though it had nothing to do with what I was there for. At my best I observed student's behavior like a distant anthropologist, at my worse I felt the entire place was beneath me. When leaving I caught a conversation between Sean and a friend of his. It sounded like a critique of a art film his friend was working on about bi-sexual relationships, and I mused to myself on how progressive that was for a high school setting. That was the last passing observation as we all walked out of a school building that was by then structurally morphing into the school of my childhood in Brazil. The dream faded once again.
I looked at some of the student drawings and recognized poorly drawn versions of my own drawings from everyday life. Amongst them were a few drawings of Harmony, the black and white cat. I proceeded to interrupted their chatter about art and half-jokingly accuse them of stealing all my ideas, the room went silent and I walked away into the teacher's office next to the room. It occurred to me that I kept waiting to meet this other teacher that had replaced Sue there, but the teacher never arrived. It was like some unreal entity that everyone except myself knew, but never actually manifested itself in the dream. So there I was stuck in a teacher's role though it had nothing to do with what I was there for. At my best I observed student's behavior like a distant anthropologist, at my worse I felt the entire place was beneath me. When leaving I caught a conversation between Sean and a friend of his. It sounded like a critique of a art film his friend was working on about bi-sexual relationships, and I mused to myself on how progressive that was for a high school setting. That was the last passing observation as we all walked out of a school building that was by then structurally morphing into the school of my childhood in Brazil. The dream faded once again.
Monday, February 28, 2011
HGA
Why do I have this need for God? Why can't I exist like an animal, going day to day satisfied with my lot in life? Its like I drug, I always need a fix, never going long without one contemplation and aspiration for the Divine. The more I reach upwards, the farther the Star seems. I weep at the thought of my ego, my inadequacies, personal flaws and failures holding me back.
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