Yeah, I knew the name sounded familiar. It came up in discussions with Lisa about chaos magick. Not long ago she was very excited about her discovery (or rediscovery) of chaos magick. She told me about him and showed me pictures. I saw, I listened, but I retained no more than a fuzzy memory. Later I read an account of him in Crowley's biography, which inspired a character concept for Wizard's Wrath. Maybe I was just too high at the time to make the connection, but like I said, the name rung a bell. Fast forward two weeks. I performed the LBRP next door then meditated for 30 minutes. I then listened to a Speech in the Silence broadcast where the name came up again triggering that fuzzy memory again. I said to myself: Self, you should go back next door and actually take a good look at his artwork. I found his young photo on his wikipedia article and was amazed at how his facial features looked like the character I had visualized.
No sooner did I mention this to Lisa and she started again, with the usual eye-roll attitude. That would've been fine if I didn't pick up on the emotional weight behind her every word and gesture. She gets really incensed when she shares some reference or knowledge with me, and I don't absorb it right away, only to "find" it weeks or months later. She insistently misquoted me: "Look what I discovered" when in fact I was just enthusiastic about finding it in a new light. I'm aware that as attentive as I could be. I'm also know that I don't get really psyched about something just because she tells me I should be. This has been the source of many arguments between us and I'm fucking tired of it. This is such a long running quirk of mine that I'm actually angry that she still hasn't made peace with it. All I can say is "I know this is a thing, and I'm working on it."
I think I know what fires her frustration along. She ascribes a personal choice to me being an "idiot." As if I deliberately dismiss her because she is whimsical. This is a long-running paranoia, and no matter how much I assure her that's not the case, it keeps coming back. For the record, I'm am an empiricist. That means I respect demonstrable results. She has demonstrated the success of her ways time and again. I DO NOT dismiss her, but I also don't always get her, or even remember everything she shares with me. She ranted about remembering a petty conversation I had with her last night about a game - but that was last night, not two or three weeks ago. I'm not about to grill her about the things I try to share with her, because it's futile. She'll either come upon it on her own or not. That's how I work, anyway. But I digress. I want to help her understand that I don't just not listen to her, I don't listen to anyone! The moment she makes it about her, the hamster wheel will keep spinning and she'll just get angrier. I am an equal opportunity idiot.
Anyway, that was rather unpleasant and I have to mind to read any further on him at this great magician right now. Maybe some other time, when my brain isn't apt to associate this great man with a petty and unpleasant old discussion.
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