My good friend, Chris made a very good keen criticism of our modern popular tales and a honest introspection about the paralyzing power of fear.
http://www.heptapod.org/
I couldn't resit replying in the following words.
I've just read your site.
Here is a thought that gets me through my creative insecurities. There is a lot of bad art getting lots of attention due *only* to the artist's will to persevere. I'f I can offer a better product, its my job to get it out there because no one else is doing it. Life is about causing ripples in the fabric of reality - that is making a difference.
I know where you're coming from, I used to feel that way. Now days I battle against apathy in the face of my obscurity so that it doesn't stop me from creating.
In esoteric parlance:
If God - the Big 0 or Great Fool never took a chance by jumping off the cliff of Nothingness to become the Big 1, there would be no Universe. I can understand wanting to exist/not exist in pure essence, but its not very practical.
Tuesday, April 19, 2011
Goodbye Target
Today I quit my job as a back room team member at Target, store 1192, Middletown NJ.
Its like every transitional event in life, good or bad, people hate change.
About two months ago Lisa told me about an upcoming screening at IFF for John's taste panel, the same one she works in. She mentioned it as an idea to get Leah's name in it when I curiously asked if men could give it a try, she pondered the question for a few seconds and said she'd ask about it. We pulled a few cards to see if I'd be a good fit using the Druid-craft deck and the 9 of Cups - a happy man sitting alone at a table surrounded by cups. As it turned out there was no restriction to male applicants, so I figured, why not? Fast forward to the Thursday before last, I come home from Target with the upcoming schedule full for the next two weeks for Tuesday and Thursday and Lisa tells me the screening starts that next Tuesday. I did ask for a heads up so I could change the schedule but they had just gathered enough candidates in the last minute. Isn't it strange? Weeks of working one day a week, sometimes off a whole week, they put me in for both those days in the two consecutive weeks that I'd be doing the IFF screening and possibly starting right away? Nothing was sure at that point, so my best strategy was to call in sick for both days while I screened for the panel. "How can I keep both jobs for a while", I thought. Target was like an old PC mouse or keyboard, its always good to have a spare, especially in this economy.
So I made the panel - no surprise there, I willed the outcome by becoming more sensitive (channeling the Cup suit) and lo-behold, the job started next Tuesday. "Oh now my Target job is really fucked" I didn't want to just leave that way, without having a day for closure. That sad part in all of this, is that its their own HR bureaucracy makes it difficult to deal honestly with them. I was actually relieved to get a phone call from Maria at IFF letting me know that Tuesday was cancelled (some of those soccer moms were too busy to attend). This gave me the "closure" day I needed. Even then, I held out hope of parting amicably enough to come back for the holidays when landscaping slows down and their demand for labor goes up.
So this Tuesday morning I get ready for work an discover that my car is having problems running, Lisa was kind enough to take me to work. This too is a strange "coincidence", the car breaking down just today, when it was still fine for the screening the week before. Working at IFF I won't need my own car as Lisa and I will carpool. I get there work my normal shift up until my break and ask for Cynthia, the HR team lead, she wasn't there today. When I explained the situation to Dawn, she simply asked "Are you quitting?" to which I confirmed with a resigned "yes". She proceeded to hand me a simple form listing the reasons why I'm leaving, days still available to work and room for comment. I managed to concisely summarize everything ending with "its been a pleasure to work here and I would do so again if needed." When I handed it in, with the same date for last day available I got a look. "You know, its still considered job abandonment if you can't work the days on the schedule. That means you're not eligible for re-hire." I shrugged "Yeeaaah..."
Having pulled a few cards from the Thoth deck that morning, I could tell that everything was running its course, there was no way for me to stop it. I just wasn't prepared for how uneventful and unceremonious the day was. During the emotional roller-coaster ride that this job was, I had moments of wild quitting fantasies of yelling and cursing at middle management. I dreamed of my last day consisting of shamelessly napping on a corner or riding the conveyor belt like a little kid, not actually working and saying goodbye to everyone like an adult. Almost everyone there seemed genuinely happy that I was moving on, many wished they could do the same. I can honestly say that this job taught me to be more zen about jobs in general. It was a shitty job that I've turned into an likable place to work by transforming my own attitude about it. Its by no means as bad as some other jobs, but I've certainly have had my moments. Working hard and greeting everyone was my way of projecting good will, far more satisfying than my infantile rebellious impulse (I suspect it stems from never openly defying my parents in childhood or teen years)
So its a bittersweet moment of change for me, although far more sweet than bitter. I'm looking forward to IFF now, where it'll be literally bitter-sweet-sour-salty with a hint of savory.
Its like every transitional event in life, good or bad, people hate change.
About two months ago Lisa told me about an upcoming screening at IFF for John's taste panel, the same one she works in. She mentioned it as an idea to get Leah's name in it when I curiously asked if men could give it a try, she pondered the question for a few seconds and said she'd ask about it. We pulled a few cards to see if I'd be a good fit using the Druid-craft deck and the 9 of Cups - a happy man sitting alone at a table surrounded by cups. As it turned out there was no restriction to male applicants, so I figured, why not? Fast forward to the Thursday before last, I come home from Target with the upcoming schedule full for the next two weeks for Tuesday and Thursday and Lisa tells me the screening starts that next Tuesday. I did ask for a heads up so I could change the schedule but they had just gathered enough candidates in the last minute. Isn't it strange? Weeks of working one day a week, sometimes off a whole week, they put me in for both those days in the two consecutive weeks that I'd be doing the IFF screening and possibly starting right away? Nothing was sure at that point, so my best strategy was to call in sick for both days while I screened for the panel. "How can I keep both jobs for a while", I thought. Target was like an old PC mouse or keyboard, its always good to have a spare, especially in this economy.
So I made the panel - no surprise there, I willed the outcome by becoming more sensitive (channeling the Cup suit) and lo-behold, the job started next Tuesday. "Oh now my Target job is really fucked" I didn't want to just leave that way, without having a day for closure. That sad part in all of this, is that its their own HR bureaucracy makes it difficult to deal honestly with them. I was actually relieved to get a phone call from Maria at IFF letting me know that Tuesday was cancelled (some of those soccer moms were too busy to attend). This gave me the "closure" day I needed. Even then, I held out hope of parting amicably enough to come back for the holidays when landscaping slows down and their demand for labor goes up.
So this Tuesday morning I get ready for work an discover that my car is having problems running, Lisa was kind enough to take me to work. This too is a strange "coincidence", the car breaking down just today, when it was still fine for the screening the week before. Working at IFF I won't need my own car as Lisa and I will carpool. I get there work my normal shift up until my break and ask for Cynthia, the HR team lead, she wasn't there today. When I explained the situation to Dawn, she simply asked "Are you quitting?" to which I confirmed with a resigned "yes". She proceeded to hand me a simple form listing the reasons why I'm leaving, days still available to work and room for comment. I managed to concisely summarize everything ending with "its been a pleasure to work here and I would do so again if needed." When I handed it in, with the same date for last day available I got a look. "You know, its still considered job abandonment if you can't work the days on the schedule. That means you're not eligible for re-hire." I shrugged "Yeeaaah..."
Having pulled a few cards from the Thoth deck that morning, I could tell that everything was running its course, there was no way for me to stop it. I just wasn't prepared for how uneventful and unceremonious the day was. During the emotional roller-coaster ride that this job was, I had moments of wild quitting fantasies of yelling and cursing at middle management. I dreamed of my last day consisting of shamelessly napping on a corner or riding the conveyor belt like a little kid, not actually working and saying goodbye to everyone like an adult. Almost everyone there seemed genuinely happy that I was moving on, many wished they could do the same. I can honestly say that this job taught me to be more zen about jobs in general. It was a shitty job that I've turned into an likable place to work by transforming my own attitude about it. Its by no means as bad as some other jobs, but I've certainly have had my moments. Working hard and greeting everyone was my way of projecting good will, far more satisfying than my infantile rebellious impulse (I suspect it stems from never openly defying my parents in childhood or teen years)
So its a bittersweet moment of change for me, although far more sweet than bitter. I'm looking forward to IFF now, where it'll be literally bitter-sweet-sour-salty with a hint of savory.
Wednesday, April 13, 2011
Sacred Rose Dream
Many noteworthy dreams... I keep meaning to write them, but don't get around to.
This is one is the most recent.
Coming off of another series of less symbolic dreams I returned to a garden from my earlier dreams. Originally it was lush, verdant, mostly in the shade from vast tree canopies, something you'd imagine out of a elven forest, but intimate, contained within a backyard of a dark abandoned house. The house was sometimes inhabited by a what I can only now assume was a hermit, though I would never see him. I've visited this place occasionally over the years, not a real place, but real in dream world. I suspect its related to an early dream version I've had since I was so young, that I couldn't distinguish dream and reality,a shady garden with a sacred rose growing at its center. Upon returning to this garden, the landscape had changed. It was a highland overlooking green hills and fields, like a plateu at a mountain, only it was now dry from a drought. The house was empty and the rose was now pink and growing from a tree branch, with its roots extending down to the ground from about six feet high. I was surprised the rose itself was still living amidst such dryness, I thought surely someone had set it upon the tree and cared for it, but now it's been left alone. The tree twisted around like a spiral as its branches grew, like something out of a fairy tale. As I got close to the base of the rose upon the tree I saw a sleeping lizard that looked like an evolutionary cross between lizard and chicken, scales camouflaged the color and texture of the tree.
I knew I had to water the rose, so I ran up the cement stairs, a new feature in the now abandoned house, and found a water faucet. I quickly turned it on and filled a bucket with a sponge in it, then leaning from the stair, my arms stretching longer than humanly possible, I poured a gentle sprinkle of water from the sponge. The effect was like a gentle rain on the tree. The strange reptile, now awakes and runs up the tree in the form of a ferret or a weasel -definitely mammal. He seemed disoriented by the sudden cold rain, and trying to run, knocked himself out, falling in a hollow branch. The branch was slowly filling itself up, covering the creature. Even though I didn't will for it to die, I couldn't stop pouring water for the rose's sake. It woke up in the last minute and arose to the surface, jutting its snout just above the water. The dream ends here.
I had to get this down, didn't even had time to edit it.
This is one is the most recent.
Coming off of another series of less symbolic dreams I returned to a garden from my earlier dreams. Originally it was lush, verdant, mostly in the shade from vast tree canopies, something you'd imagine out of a elven forest, but intimate, contained within a backyard of a dark abandoned house. The house was sometimes inhabited by a what I can only now assume was a hermit, though I would never see him. I've visited this place occasionally over the years, not a real place, but real in dream world. I suspect its related to an early dream version I've had since I was so young, that I couldn't distinguish dream and reality,a shady garden with a sacred rose growing at its center. Upon returning to this garden, the landscape had changed. It was a highland overlooking green hills and fields, like a plateu at a mountain, only it was now dry from a drought. The house was empty and the rose was now pink and growing from a tree branch, with its roots extending down to the ground from about six feet high. I was surprised the rose itself was still living amidst such dryness, I thought surely someone had set it upon the tree and cared for it, but now it's been left alone. The tree twisted around like a spiral as its branches grew, like something out of a fairy tale. As I got close to the base of the rose upon the tree I saw a sleeping lizard that looked like an evolutionary cross between lizard and chicken, scales camouflaged the color and texture of the tree.
I knew I had to water the rose, so I ran up the cement stairs, a new feature in the now abandoned house, and found a water faucet. I quickly turned it on and filled a bucket with a sponge in it, then leaning from the stair, my arms stretching longer than humanly possible, I poured a gentle sprinkle of water from the sponge. The effect was like a gentle rain on the tree. The strange reptile, now awakes and runs up the tree in the form of a ferret or a weasel -definitely mammal. He seemed disoriented by the sudden cold rain, and trying to run, knocked himself out, falling in a hollow branch. The branch was slowly filling itself up, covering the creature. Even though I didn't will for it to die, I couldn't stop pouring water for the rose's sake. It woke up in the last minute and arose to the surface, jutting its snout just above the water. The dream ends here.
I had to get this down, didn't even had time to edit it.
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